I am in the most excruciating position I have ever been in. Both of my Dr.s are recommending that I terminate baby "B", who I now know is my little girl.
Last week I had a amniocentesis to help determine why baby B had growth restriction, hyperechoic bowel, and little amniotic fluid. They had trouble getting to her sac, and had to put the needle in six times. I can't believe I survived it. It hurt when it went in initially, and felt like a terrible piercing punch when going through my uterus, and then he would fish around, and I could feel the length of the needle through me. Once would have been bearable. The babies kicked the whole time and I kept worrying about them getting hurt by the needle. I listened to the Mahamrityunjaya Mantra on headphones and held my husbands hand. Despite feeling traumatized I also felt like a warrior.
Yesterday we were told that the results were normal, but they recommend termination. (why put us through that amnio?) The Dr's are afraid that her condition will put me at risk for early preenclampsia, and very early delivery of both babies. They want me to have a better chance with baby "A" who looks normal. He is a very cute boy by the way, I got a sonogram pic that actually shows his little face somewhat and what a sweet little face!!!
I have no idea what to do. It feels like Sophie's choice.
Will I be murdering my own sweet girl who could possibly be normal? And then carrying her body with my living baby till birth? Will I be saving the life of my boy and maybe myself? Will I ever get over the burden of this choice? why can't the doctors tell me something that will make me feel more clear?
I am having a second opinion this week. I have to make this decision within the next two weeks. Help?
4/16/11
A Difficult Time
It's been really hard for me to post, I have thought about it a hundred times in the last weeks, but everything has just been so miserable, and I had this terrible feeling that it would all just be depressing bad news and complaints for people to read, so as much as I've really craved support and feedback, I've been afraid to post.
Three weeks ago when I returned from Florida, a really nice break with lots of sunny beaches and calm sweet time with my honey, (plus it was the beginning of relief from a long period of first trimester 24 hour nausea, on and off depression and exhaustion), anyway when I got back to NYC, I had a day of seeing clients before we went off to Long Island to celebrate my stepdad's 80th birthday with a weekend gathering of a gang of family I haven't seen in a long time. I was excited that I was going to announce the pregnancy there.
I had had a headache that had gone on for 2-3 days and I just wasn't feeling well. My pregnancy books said headaches in the second trimester were to be expected. I felt a strong need to show up at the birthday gathering, it meant a lot to me, but I woke up the day after arriving there with the same weird, bad headache on the left side of my head, and just felt off. I called the midwife on call at my OB's office and she said to have my blood pressure taken. We drove to a local walk-in clinic that didn't take my insurance and charged $100.. walked out and went to the local drugstore for a reading. The reading was so high, I thought the cuff was just too tight. We ended up buying a bp machine, and then still going back to the clinic because we didn't believe my BP was so high. At the clinic it was somewhere in the 180's. They sent us to the local emergency room. I was put on IV magnesium, and two other drugs that made me so ill I couldn't see straight. At one point my BP was 200 over 110. I began vomiting. Over the next 24 hours I vomited so hard that I broke blood vessels in my eye. I was sent by ambulance to Stony Brook Hospital. They kept me there for 5 days and did every test you can imagine on me. I won't bore you with the details, but the upshot was just a diagnosis of hypertension. I was warned that I have a high chance of getting pre enclampsia, tho they don't diagnose that until after 20 weeks, and I was only 17 weeks at that time.
The other thing going on was a very bizarre and painful condition that I have had since I got pregnant. It's called Reynauds syndrome of the nipple. People usually get Reynauds in their fingers and toes, and it is a vasospasm, often but not always caused by cold, that turns them white, and then blue. I get it in my nipples. It is the most painful experience I have ever had, it feels like I'm being tortured with pliers. It compares to the pain I felt when I was having surgery and the anesthesia wore off in the middle. It burns. I have a high pain tolerance, but this has made me cry. I was getting it about once a day or so, for about 15 minutes, before the hospitalization. I told every single health professional I encountered about it and got lame responses from my OB's like, "try moisturizer" and "my wife had really bad breast pain too" and from the midwives and my doula, "I've never heard of it, I'll look into it". I ultimately learned what it was, from googling "severe nipple pain". There were quite a lot of women on the Internet wondering what the heck it was.
The kicker was that the drugs that they gave me in the hospital aggravated the syndrome, so that I was getting episodes every hour or two. No one knew that..about the drugs. They ended up having a meeting there to educate themselves on it, to their credit. Finally I was put on Nifedapine (pro.cardia) which was what I kept telling people was the answer. It has lessened the torture, but has not gotten rid of it. I still get it many times a day but it is a bit more tolerable.
By the way, I was treated very well at Stony Brook. I hate and fear hospitals in general, but I have a new respect for their potential. I felt respected, listened to and very thoroughly cared for, and had a lovely private room in the antenatal section. My husband was allowed to sleep there with me the whole time. We joked about finding one of the linen closets and having hospital sex a la Gray's Anatomy, but I didn't really feel up to it :)
A few days after being discharged (on medication now for BP) We visited my Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctor upstate. When I walked in she said "I guess they didn't diagnose you with Pre Enclampsia because you're still pregnant". I felt like she punched me in the solar plexus. I still feel my understanding of Pre Enclampsia is tentative but what I seem to be getting is that the "cure" for it is to deliver your baby or babies whether they are viable or not. This is terrifying for me.
My Obstetricians office had basically fired us over the phone while I was in the hospital. The Doctor my husband spoke to said "we're too rinky dink for your needs"... OK, well better know that now than later. Long story short we have found a wonderful, heartfelt, kind and good doc, who shares a practice with a very reputable high risk specialist. I am extremely happy with them. They only downside is that they are in Manhattan, two and a half hours away! My husband and I are seriously considering moving back to the city. Very seriously, and soon.
We went for my first appointment there 3 days ago, and they did the anatomy scan. Baby A is a boy. I am afraid to celebrate anything.
Baby B is now three weeks behind (they can't see the sex), and the doc saw something in the abdomen that concerned him. Some fluid.. he wasn't sure what it was so I am referred to a super rock star doc at NY.U for another sonogram next week. The doc said that there could be an issue like downs or trisomy 18 (even though our screening came out well before). Or that there might be a defective placenta due to the high blood pressure. In any case no one has much good to say about the fate of baby B.
I can't even begin to say how upsetting this has all been. Maybe in a later post I can describe some of the feelings coming up. One result has been that I am afraid to have any hopes for any baby at all. I am so afraid of the the images of their death and suffering that play in my head all the time. And all this is while I can still feel them swimming around inside, still a new feeling.
Three weeks ago when I returned from Florida, a really nice break with lots of sunny beaches and calm sweet time with my honey, (plus it was the beginning of relief from a long period of first trimester 24 hour nausea, on and off depression and exhaustion), anyway when I got back to NYC, I had a day of seeing clients before we went off to Long Island to celebrate my stepdad's 80th birthday with a weekend gathering of a gang of family I haven't seen in a long time. I was excited that I was going to announce the pregnancy there.
I had had a headache that had gone on for 2-3 days and I just wasn't feeling well. My pregnancy books said headaches in the second trimester were to be expected. I felt a strong need to show up at the birthday gathering, it meant a lot to me, but I woke up the day after arriving there with the same weird, bad headache on the left side of my head, and just felt off. I called the midwife on call at my OB's office and she said to have my blood pressure taken. We drove to a local walk-in clinic that didn't take my insurance and charged $100.. walked out and went to the local drugstore for a reading. The reading was so high, I thought the cuff was just too tight. We ended up buying a bp machine, and then still going back to the clinic because we didn't believe my BP was so high. At the clinic it was somewhere in the 180's. They sent us to the local emergency room. I was put on IV magnesium, and two other drugs that made me so ill I couldn't see straight. At one point my BP was 200 over 110. I began vomiting. Over the next 24 hours I vomited so hard that I broke blood vessels in my eye. I was sent by ambulance to Stony Brook Hospital. They kept me there for 5 days and did every test you can imagine on me. I won't bore you with the details, but the upshot was just a diagnosis of hypertension. I was warned that I have a high chance of getting pre enclampsia, tho they don't diagnose that until after 20 weeks, and I was only 17 weeks at that time.
The other thing going on was a very bizarre and painful condition that I have had since I got pregnant. It's called Reynauds syndrome of the nipple. People usually get Reynauds in their fingers and toes, and it is a vasospasm, often but not always caused by cold, that turns them white, and then blue. I get it in my nipples. It is the most painful experience I have ever had, it feels like I'm being tortured with pliers. It compares to the pain I felt when I was having surgery and the anesthesia wore off in the middle. It burns. I have a high pain tolerance, but this has made me cry. I was getting it about once a day or so, for about 15 minutes, before the hospitalization. I told every single health professional I encountered about it and got lame responses from my OB's like, "try moisturizer" and "my wife had really bad breast pain too" and from the midwives and my doula, "I've never heard of it, I'll look into it". I ultimately learned what it was, from googling "severe nipple pain". There were quite a lot of women on the Internet wondering what the heck it was.
The kicker was that the drugs that they gave me in the hospital aggravated the syndrome, so that I was getting episodes every hour or two. No one knew that..about the drugs. They ended up having a meeting there to educate themselves on it, to their credit. Finally I was put on Nifedapine (pro.cardia) which was what I kept telling people was the answer. It has lessened the torture, but has not gotten rid of it. I still get it many times a day but it is a bit more tolerable.
By the way, I was treated very well at Stony Brook. I hate and fear hospitals in general, but I have a new respect for their potential. I felt respected, listened to and very thoroughly cared for, and had a lovely private room in the antenatal section. My husband was allowed to sleep there with me the whole time. We joked about finding one of the linen closets and having hospital sex a la Gray's Anatomy, but I didn't really feel up to it :)
A few days after being discharged (on medication now for BP) We visited my Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctor upstate. When I walked in she said "I guess they didn't diagnose you with Pre Enclampsia because you're still pregnant". I felt like she punched me in the solar plexus. I still feel my understanding of Pre Enclampsia is tentative but what I seem to be getting is that the "cure" for it is to deliver your baby or babies whether they are viable or not. This is terrifying for me.
My Obstetricians office had basically fired us over the phone while I was in the hospital. The Doctor my husband spoke to said "we're too rinky dink for your needs"... OK, well better know that now than later. Long story short we have found a wonderful, heartfelt, kind and good doc, who shares a practice with a very reputable high risk specialist. I am extremely happy with them. They only downside is that they are in Manhattan, two and a half hours away! My husband and I are seriously considering moving back to the city. Very seriously, and soon.
We went for my first appointment there 3 days ago, and they did the anatomy scan. Baby A is a boy. I am afraid to celebrate anything.
Baby B is now three weeks behind (they can't see the sex), and the doc saw something in the abdomen that concerned him. Some fluid.. he wasn't sure what it was so I am referred to a super rock star doc at NY.U for another sonogram next week. The doc said that there could be an issue like downs or trisomy 18 (even though our screening came out well before). Or that there might be a defective placenta due to the high blood pressure. In any case no one has much good to say about the fate of baby B.
I can't even begin to say how upsetting this has all been. Maybe in a later post I can describe some of the feelings coming up. One result has been that I am afraid to have any hopes for any baby at all. I am so afraid of the the images of their death and suffering that play in my head all the time. And all this is while I can still feel them swimming around inside, still a new feeling.
3/25/11
Magical, and strange, 16 weeks
I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long.. I've been away in Florida on vacation for almost two weeks. I only have a moment now to before I get ready for my work day. Being in sunshine and on the beach, seeing dolphins and manatees and all sorts of beautiful birds, herons and pelicans, after this horrible winter has lifted my spirits so that I actually feel normal again. (Tho nothing about pregnancy feels remotely normal).
The most exciting things that have happened in the past 2 weeks are that I can feel the babies moving.. tiny little rolls and pokes almost too faint to feel. It's a very strange experience, let me tell you. I look forward to it, but its also taking some getting used to. I have actually been feeling movement since the 13th week believe it or not, I just wasn't positive.
The other exciting thing is that my belly is getting biiiiig. Like bIIIIIG. One of my clients guessed that I was pregnant. I thought that would not happen yet, because I had a belly that looked a bit pregnant even before I got pregnant. But she caught me rubbing my stomach, the one and only time I have ever done that pregnancy related rub.. she is very observant. She was very happy for me, but I think there will be fallout, especially since I went away on vacation immediately after. And she has abandonment issues. Well, I am off to see her now. Must go.
The most exciting things that have happened in the past 2 weeks are that I can feel the babies moving.. tiny little rolls and pokes almost too faint to feel. It's a very strange experience, let me tell you. I look forward to it, but its also taking some getting used to. I have actually been feeling movement since the 13th week believe it or not, I just wasn't positive.
The other exciting thing is that my belly is getting biiiiig. Like bIIIIIG. One of my clients guessed that I was pregnant. I thought that would not happen yet, because I had a belly that looked a bit pregnant even before I got pregnant. But she caught me rubbing my stomach, the one and only time I have ever done that pregnancy related rub.. she is very observant. She was very happy for me, but I think there will be fallout, especially since I went away on vacation immediately after. And she has abandonment issues. Well, I am off to see her now. Must go.
3/7/11
13 weeks, 4 days.
I hope someone wants the crinone... Don't be shy.
Today was good because after it rained for almost 24 hours we no longer have several feet of frozen ex-snow, but are left with inches. It was sunny and I took a walk with my honey and felt some hope that the horrible horrible winter with its lonely days and nights of cabin fever and gray and such a difficult start to this blessed pregnancy, with a return of depression and fear and lack of joy that I have not experienced in ten years, would maybe be over... some sunshine and physical movement gave me hope. It has been such a blow to me to not be able to feel the joy of being pregnant. How bizarre. I'm having more happy moments, between the tears.
On the cheering walk we stopped at a little food place and shared a tuna melt and I had a cup of matzo ball soup with a giant fluffy matzoh ball. My appetite is coming back a bit, in fits and starts between the nausea, and that sandwich and soup tasted like the best food I have ever eaten. I have actually lost weight since I became pregnant, about 8 pounds. More bizarre experiences for me.. I am a total foodie and I love to cook, and I am also a bit of an overeater, but food has just been gross in general for several months now, and forget cooking. I felt sorry for my honey and got it together to make two quiches, so he would have something, poor guy, and I hadn't realized that onions would make me gag, so I never ate any at all. Sigh. I realize that now the babies are entering an intense growing phase, so I pray that I can eat.
Saw the babies at the Nuchal Translucency screening last week, and they were looking a lot more like babies than the little squirmy "teddy grahams" (that's what one of my RE's nurses called them.. I said "I will never eat teddy grahams again")they were a few weeks back. I felt more connected to them this time, they are getting realer and realer. I am very grateful to say that the NT tests had good results, and the babies are measuring as they should be. Thank god. Finally really got a good look at twin b who has a slower heart rate (in the 150's) than twin a,(160's) and measures a tiny bit smaller. This is a great relief as we had never actually gotten a heart rate on her/him, or a proper measurement.
So, I can finally no longer sleep on my stomach... I was hoping it would last forever, who was I kidding? I can sort of do it if I bend one knee and kind of brace myself. Hm. The belly is getting bigger, tho it's hard to see distinctly with me because I have a padding of belly fat already, but boy can I feel it, its hard, and swollen feeling. Sometimes when I am lying still, I swear I can feel movements in there... can't be sure yet. I am starting to feel excited.
My honey and I are taking off for ten days to Sarasota.. I can't wait for sun and hopefully I can swim, I am really a water baby. Which reminds me, I keep hearing from the nurse and now my doula, that because I have twins, I wont be allowed to do a water birth. I am livid! So sick of the medicalization of birth issues. I have been watching beautiful water deliveries of twins on video. They say this before knowing if I will have any complications. I need to explore this more with the doula we just hired, who I really like. I will report back. Anyway, I am hoping for a recognizable furthering of spring when I return from sunny Florida, and a further lifting of my depression.
Today was good because after it rained for almost 24 hours we no longer have several feet of frozen ex-snow, but are left with inches. It was sunny and I took a walk with my honey and felt some hope that the horrible horrible winter with its lonely days and nights of cabin fever and gray and such a difficult start to this blessed pregnancy, with a return of depression and fear and lack of joy that I have not experienced in ten years, would maybe be over... some sunshine and physical movement gave me hope. It has been such a blow to me to not be able to feel the joy of being pregnant. How bizarre. I'm having more happy moments, between the tears.
On the cheering walk we stopped at a little food place and shared a tuna melt and I had a cup of matzo ball soup with a giant fluffy matzoh ball. My appetite is coming back a bit, in fits and starts between the nausea, and that sandwich and soup tasted like the best food I have ever eaten. I have actually lost weight since I became pregnant, about 8 pounds. More bizarre experiences for me.. I am a total foodie and I love to cook, and I am also a bit of an overeater, but food has just been gross in general for several months now, and forget cooking. I felt sorry for my honey and got it together to make two quiches, so he would have something, poor guy, and I hadn't realized that onions would make me gag, so I never ate any at all. Sigh. I realize that now the babies are entering an intense growing phase, so I pray that I can eat.
Saw the babies at the Nuchal Translucency screening last week, and they were looking a lot more like babies than the little squirmy "teddy grahams" (that's what one of my RE's nurses called them.. I said "I will never eat teddy grahams again")they were a few weeks back. I felt more connected to them this time, they are getting realer and realer. I am very grateful to say that the NT tests had good results, and the babies are measuring as they should be. Thank god. Finally really got a good look at twin b who has a slower heart rate (in the 150's) than twin a,(160's) and measures a tiny bit smaller. This is a great relief as we had never actually gotten a heart rate on her/him, or a proper measurement.
So, I can finally no longer sleep on my stomach... I was hoping it would last forever, who was I kidding? I can sort of do it if I bend one knee and kind of brace myself. Hm. The belly is getting bigger, tho it's hard to see distinctly with me because I have a padding of belly fat already, but boy can I feel it, its hard, and swollen feeling. Sometimes when I am lying still, I swear I can feel movements in there... can't be sure yet. I am starting to feel excited.
My honey and I are taking off for ten days to Sarasota.. I can't wait for sun and hopefully I can swim, I am really a water baby. Which reminds me, I keep hearing from the nurse and now my doula, that because I have twins, I wont be allowed to do a water birth. I am livid! So sick of the medicalization of birth issues. I have been watching beautiful water deliveries of twins on video. They say this before knowing if I will have any complications. I need to explore this more with the doula we just hired, who I really like. I will report back. Anyway, I am hoping for a recognizable furthering of spring when I return from sunny Florida, and a further lifting of my depression.
3/2/11
Crinone to Give Away
We were short a few Crinone doses to complete our protocol, and found that the cost for those would be the same $50 insurance copayment as two whole boxes..That stuff is expensive at over $20 a dose! So I ordered two boxes figuring some internet sister could use some free Crinone. I have a full unopened box of 15 and an open box of 11 (of course the actual Crinone sticks are unopened), left. Its all brand new.. just got it. And lordy I am glad to be seeing the last of it however important it was to the present survival of this pregnancy, hallelujah, I'm done with it!!
Just leave some contact info in the comments, of send me an email at birdolove@gmail.com.
Just leave some contact info in the comments, of send me an email at birdolove@gmail.com.
2/19/11
Adopting Pets After IVF Losses
I have noticed that people (including myself) tend to adopt pets after an IVF loss. I have seen it several times in blogs, and one of my clients adopted two cats after a twin miscarriage. I adopted two kittens after my failed IVF last March. I already had a cat. The kittens, who are almost a year old now, have given me endless hours of love, joy and entertainment. They are also a lot of work and big presences in a small house. I have often wondered, sitting in my itty bitty home, why I adopted two, instead of one.
The overt story is that my husband and I went to the local SPCA after impatiently waiting 6 weeks after our failed IVF for "kitten season" to begin, and after sitting for an hour in a little room full of tiny kittens crawling all over us, we had attached to two different little ones. When we realized this, we traded kittens, and attempting to be open to each others point of view, proceeded to fall in love with each others kitten. Sigh. It was my idea to leave with both. Now that I love them, I don't want to think of not having had one of them, but honestly, it was one kitten too many. We have too many cats. I had such a strong maternal need at hat moment, and maybe my honey had a paternal one.
The not so overt reason, possibly, that we have two kittens, may be that I had this fantasy of having twins... whether it was a wish or a foretelling, who knows.
What has come up now, with my twin pregnancy, is that I feel crowded, claustrophobic, and like there are/will be too many critters in the house. I am faced with the difficult possibility of perhaps giving away one of thebabies cats. This is close to unimaginable for me. Of course it would have to be to someone I know. But still, I feel like I am doing something awful. I may not be able to do it.
On the pregnancy front, I have finally met one of the OB's in the practice I am using, and I liked him a lot. He seemed laid back and accessible. I have one more to meet. They both deliver at a local birthing center that has birthing tubs and a nice porch with rocking chairs (among other amenities). I have been told that if I have complications that force me to give birth in the nearby hospital with the level 3 NICU, I won't have either of them (I'll have some unknown dr). I'm not so crazy about that idea. I also will be seeing a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist at the fancy hospital. She will do the Nuchal Translucency test there soon, in the next two weeks. I am at 11 weeks 2 days now.
We did a very quick scan on Friday, mostly because I told the Dr I was panicking and not convinced I was pregnant anymore.. why you ask? because I found that I could sleep on my stomach again, comfortably. Plus I wasn't nauseous for a day or two. Anyway, there are still two babies in there, one of whom was flipping around like a gymnast. I really hope that's normal, and not an indicator of a hyper child! So, all appears to be well in there. That's good.
The overt story is that my husband and I went to the local SPCA after impatiently waiting 6 weeks after our failed IVF for "kitten season" to begin, and after sitting for an hour in a little room full of tiny kittens crawling all over us, we had attached to two different little ones. When we realized this, we traded kittens, and attempting to be open to each others point of view, proceeded to fall in love with each others kitten. Sigh. It was my idea to leave with both. Now that I love them, I don't want to think of not having had one of them, but honestly, it was one kitten too many. We have too many cats. I had such a strong maternal need at hat moment, and maybe my honey had a paternal one.
The not so overt reason, possibly, that we have two kittens, may be that I had this fantasy of having twins... whether it was a wish or a foretelling, who knows.
What has come up now, with my twin pregnancy, is that I feel crowded, claustrophobic, and like there are/will be too many critters in the house. I am faced with the difficult possibility of perhaps giving away one of the
On the pregnancy front, I have finally met one of the OB's in the practice I am using, and I liked him a lot. He seemed laid back and accessible. I have one more to meet. They both deliver at a local birthing center that has birthing tubs and a nice porch with rocking chairs (among other amenities). I have been told that if I have complications that force me to give birth in the nearby hospital with the level 3 NICU, I won't have either of them (I'll have some unknown dr). I'm not so crazy about that idea. I also will be seeing a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist at the fancy hospital. She will do the Nuchal Translucency test there soon, in the next two weeks. I am at 11 weeks 2 days now.
We did a very quick scan on Friday, mostly because I told the Dr I was panicking and not convinced I was pregnant anymore.. why you ask? because I found that I could sleep on my stomach again, comfortably. Plus I wasn't nauseous for a day or two. Anyway, there are still two babies in there, one of whom was flipping around like a gymnast. I really hope that's normal, and not an indicator of a hyper child! So, all appears to be well in there. That's good.
2/13/11
10.5 weeks
I know it's been over two weeks since I posted, but I have really been feeling lousy. In fact I just had a cry that started when I was telling my husband how bad I felt, and I saw his dear kind eyes looking sympathetically at me. I feel so alone in this incredibly uncomfortable body, and I find myself trying to convey how I feel to him all the time, which ends up sounding like endless complaining, making me feel even worse about myself. It was wonderful to see him really listening just now.
I always had a fantasy that being pregnant would be a voluptuous, sexy, amazing, earth mama experience. I really looked forward to it. I haven't felt anything like that. Early on, I was overwhelmed with panic and depression. Then a back spasm that took over my world, leaving me helpless with agony, and unable to stand up without help. For the last weeks I have been overcome with nausea and profound fatigue. This is in addition to a general feeling of achiness in my whole body, pretty constant uterine cramping and uncomfortable swollen feeling, headaches, and a constant stuffed nose. The nausea and fatigue are the worst. I get up in the morning and never reach that "I'm awake" place. Soon after getting up, I want to go back to sleep. I feel heavy and unmotivated. Not like depression, just tired! And the nausea is on and off all day. I am overwhelmed by it. Lately it's been the worst at dinner time, and I'm sick before, during and after eating. I don't understand how other pregnant women manage to keep working at this point. I only work one or two days a week, and drag myself there, but the rest of the time can't get myself focused on anything. I am so frustrated. I feel like a useless lump. I have a lot of work to do, and haven't done anything since I started this cycle in November! I can't concentrate at all. The physicality of it all has just blown me away. I haven't had room for the rest. I have had a day here and there when I felt better, and boy what a contrast! blue sky's and birdsong it felt like. I really hope there is some relief in sight, because between this and this unbelievably white winter all around imprisoning me, I feel like gnawing at my arms and legs to get me out of this trap!
I have also been very scared about mothering twins. I have always been a one on one type of person, and have imagined bonding with one baby. I am having trouble imagining sharing my focus between two. How can I give each of then enough contact and attention? Also, how will I get around! No taxi rides to meet friends with these babies! Stuck in the house is more like it.
This whole past year or so, when I was doing the IVF, I would fantasize about twins, I really wanted twins. I feel like I put that longing out in to the universe big time. There is a part of me that feels happy and content with this outcome, but I have been keyed in to the fear and trepidation lately, probably because I feel so sick all the time. On top of it all my honey lost his job in the fall and is still unemployed, and this is causing me a lot of anxiety.
Some good news, I am finally done with the Progesterone in oil injections. What a relief. In the last weeks I had gotten so I couldn't stand them at all. My honey and I had figured out how to do them so they weren't too bad, but I was just burnt out, and my hip area was so sore.
I also did graduate from my RE's office, and got one last sonogram at 9 weeks. Saw one of the tiny babes actually wiggling, which was very exciting.
I met with a nurse in my new OB's office last week, and had no exam, just a million questions. I feel OK about their handling me as an high risk pregnancy. They are willing to try to keep me on track to give birth vaginally, in a birthing center, as long as there are no major complications, and the babies stay put past 36 weeks. Otherwise there is a back up hospital nearby with a level 3 NICU. The OB I have chosen works with midwives on his staff. I haven't met him yet. I will have an appointment with his partner this week, meeting him next time. I will also be seeing a Maternal-Fetal medicine specialist.
In case I haven't made it clear, I am high risk because I am 49, pregnant with twins, and I am about 285 pounds. So far I haven't encountered any judgmental attitudes about my age or weight, but I am afraid of them! My mother is the only one who harps on such things, and that's her way, she loves me more than anything else on the planet.
Which reminds me. Valentines day is tomorrow, and that is the day, as my mother reminds me every year, that I was first placed in her arms, at the Children's Aid Society adoption agency. She says it was the happiest day of her life. She always makes me feel so loved and wanted when she tells me this story! Big love for my mom!!!
Happy Valentines day to all of you, (especially all you moms and pre-moms with that longing in your hearts). May you all be filled with love and joy.
I always had a fantasy that being pregnant would be a voluptuous, sexy, amazing, earth mama experience. I really looked forward to it. I haven't felt anything like that. Early on, I was overwhelmed with panic and depression. Then a back spasm that took over my world, leaving me helpless with agony, and unable to stand up without help. For the last weeks I have been overcome with nausea and profound fatigue. This is in addition to a general feeling of achiness in my whole body, pretty constant uterine cramping and uncomfortable swollen feeling, headaches, and a constant stuffed nose. The nausea and fatigue are the worst. I get up in the morning and never reach that "I'm awake" place. Soon after getting up, I want to go back to sleep. I feel heavy and unmotivated. Not like depression, just tired! And the nausea is on and off all day. I am overwhelmed by it. Lately it's been the worst at dinner time, and I'm sick before, during and after eating. I don't understand how other pregnant women manage to keep working at this point. I only work one or two days a week, and drag myself there, but the rest of the time can't get myself focused on anything. I am so frustrated. I feel like a useless lump. I have a lot of work to do, and haven't done anything since I started this cycle in November! I can't concentrate at all. The physicality of it all has just blown me away. I haven't had room for the rest. I have had a day here and there when I felt better, and boy what a contrast! blue sky's and birdsong it felt like. I really hope there is some relief in sight, because between this and this unbelievably white winter all around imprisoning me, I feel like gnawing at my arms and legs to get me out of this trap!
I have also been very scared about mothering twins. I have always been a one on one type of person, and have imagined bonding with one baby. I am having trouble imagining sharing my focus between two. How can I give each of then enough contact and attention? Also, how will I get around! No taxi rides to meet friends with these babies! Stuck in the house is more like it.
This whole past year or so, when I was doing the IVF, I would fantasize about twins, I really wanted twins. I feel like I put that longing out in to the universe big time. There is a part of me that feels happy and content with this outcome, but I have been keyed in to the fear and trepidation lately, probably because I feel so sick all the time. On top of it all my honey lost his job in the fall and is still unemployed, and this is causing me a lot of anxiety.
Some good news, I am finally done with the Progesterone in oil injections. What a relief. In the last weeks I had gotten so I couldn't stand them at all. My honey and I had figured out how to do them so they weren't too bad, but I was just burnt out, and my hip area was so sore.
I also did graduate from my RE's office, and got one last sonogram at 9 weeks. Saw one of the tiny babes actually wiggling, which was very exciting.
I met with a nurse in my new OB's office last week, and had no exam, just a million questions. I feel OK about their handling me as an high risk pregnancy. They are willing to try to keep me on track to give birth vaginally, in a birthing center, as long as there are no major complications, and the babies stay put past 36 weeks. Otherwise there is a back up hospital nearby with a level 3 NICU. The OB I have chosen works with midwives on his staff. I haven't met him yet. I will have an appointment with his partner this week, meeting him next time. I will also be seeing a Maternal-Fetal medicine specialist.
In case I haven't made it clear, I am high risk because I am 49, pregnant with twins, and I am about 285 pounds. So far I haven't encountered any judgmental attitudes about my age or weight, but I am afraid of them! My mother is the only one who harps on such things, and that's her way, she loves me more than anything else on the planet.
Which reminds me. Valentines day is tomorrow, and that is the day, as my mother reminds me every year, that I was first placed in her arms, at the Children's Aid Society adoption agency. She says it was the happiest day of her life. She always makes me feel so loved and wanted when she tells me this story! Big love for my mom!!!
Happy Valentines day to all of you, (especially all you moms and pre-moms with that longing in your hearts). May you all be filled with love and joy.
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