I've been scared to post because the subject of selective reduction is so difficult and painful, and the last thing I need, personally, is critical opinions. BUT, I have only gotten wonderful support from everyone so far, everyone who commented on this blog, and in my real life. I'm very grateful. It's good to be pleasantly surprised by compassion.
We terminated the little girl two weeks ago. I still have my little boy kicking away inside of me. I feel much better physically now, and with that and the reduced medical risks, I have actually been enjoying being pregnant for the first time.
We weren't given much time to decide, really less than a week. It was so short because New York State laws prohibit terminating after 24 weeks, and I was almost there.
We did get a second opinion, and contacted and spoke to several other medical professionals in the field, all of whom agreed with our doctor. I got a clearer picture of what was going on. I am left with the fact that my current doc is not a very good communicator. Clear and thorough communication is very important to me!
So we started to feel clearer, and then I did something really interesting. I had a session over the phone with a medical intuitive. We told him that we had to make a decision about terminating one twin in a pregnancy. (that's all). He went through every organ and system of each baby. and of mine. He told me that one of my twins was very small with little amniotic fluid. He said that there had been a partial separation of the placenta from the uterine wall. He said the heart was fine, but the baby's kidneys weren't working properly. He told me that the baby would die, but that it would destroy my kidneys if I waited for that. He told me to go ahead with the procedure. He also told me that her spirit wasn't strong, that she was in a very weak state. He gave the procedure an 80% chance of complete success (it could cause miscarriage, etc.)
He said that the other baby had a very strong spirit, and all the organs were fine. He did mention that the hip joints weren't developed fully, but that it could be the gestational stage, or possibly he might be prone to hip dislocation. He also said that the boy has a musical ear!
When he went through my body, he was uncannily accurate, picking up on my knee and hip issues, my vision (I need glasses) and my high blood pressure.
I actually felt very reassured by this reading, because he had confirmed all of the things that the doctors had put forth as likely scenarios. I also told him that I was concerned about feeling responsible for killing my baby girl. He said that feeling was based in an old sense of bad self esteem and feeling like I was bad, from very early in my life. He also told me that the spirit (of the baby) wasn't sad. It all made perfect sense to me.
My beloved husband and I decided to do the termination, and we were given a very immediate appointment. We sat the night before and talked about all our feelings. We stated our intentions for the highest good. We prayed for support from the universe. We asked all of the close people in our life to hold us and the babies in a place of love, and to pray or send loving energy during the time of the appointment. We were both determined to be in complete love and to hold little baby B with that love. And that's the way it happened.
The week after was hard, because I was crying a lot, feeling a lot of sadness at all odd moments. There is a particular quote that really touched me and opened up my grief. It is this:
Yet, though it is like this, simply,
flowers fall amid our longing,
and weeds spring up amid our antipathy.
— Dogen Zenji, Genjokoan
She was my little flower that fell amidst such tender longing.. I longed for her so much.
I still have her little body inside of me, I will deliver it when I deliver my boy. I have no idea what that will be like. I have concerns. So far, the thought of it hasn't taken over, I feel that she is gone, I'm much more aware of the kicks and wiggles I feel from the boy who is already probably twice her size.
And so it is, for now.
5/25/11
5/3/11
A Rock and a Hard Place @ 22 Weeks
I am in the most excruciating position I have ever been in. Both of my Dr.s are recommending that I terminate baby "B", who I now know is my little girl.
Last week I had a amniocentesis to help determine why baby B had growth restriction, hyperechoic bowel, and little amniotic fluid. They had trouble getting to her sac, and had to put the needle in six times. I can't believe I survived it. It hurt when it went in initially, and felt like a terrible piercing punch when going through my uterus, and then he would fish around, and I could feel the length of the needle through me. Once would have been bearable. The babies kicked the whole time and I kept worrying about them getting hurt by the needle. I listened to the Mahamrityunjaya Mantra on headphones and held my husbands hand. Despite feeling traumatized I also felt like a warrior.
Yesterday we were told that the results were normal, but they recommend termination. (why put us through that amnio?) The Dr's are afraid that her condition will put me at risk for early preenclampsia, and very early delivery of both babies. They want me to have a better chance with baby "A" who looks normal. He is a very cute boy by the way, I got a sonogram pic that actually shows his little face somewhat and what a sweet little face!!!
I have no idea what to do. It feels like Sophie's choice.
Will I be murdering my own sweet girl who could possibly be normal? And then carrying her body with my living baby till birth? Will I be saving the life of my boy and maybe myself? Will I ever get over the burden of this choice? why can't the doctors tell me something that will make me feel more clear?
I am having a second opinion this week. I have to make this decision within the next two weeks. Help?
Last week I had a amniocentesis to help determine why baby B had growth restriction, hyperechoic bowel, and little amniotic fluid. They had trouble getting to her sac, and had to put the needle in six times. I can't believe I survived it. It hurt when it went in initially, and felt like a terrible piercing punch when going through my uterus, and then he would fish around, and I could feel the length of the needle through me. Once would have been bearable. The babies kicked the whole time and I kept worrying about them getting hurt by the needle. I listened to the Mahamrityunjaya Mantra on headphones and held my husbands hand. Despite feeling traumatized I also felt like a warrior.
Yesterday we were told that the results were normal, but they recommend termination. (why put us through that amnio?) The Dr's are afraid that her condition will put me at risk for early preenclampsia, and very early delivery of both babies. They want me to have a better chance with baby "A" who looks normal. He is a very cute boy by the way, I got a sonogram pic that actually shows his little face somewhat and what a sweet little face!!!
I have no idea what to do. It feels like Sophie's choice.
Will I be murdering my own sweet girl who could possibly be normal? And then carrying her body with my living baby till birth? Will I be saving the life of my boy and maybe myself? Will I ever get over the burden of this choice? why can't the doctors tell me something that will make me feel more clear?
I am having a second opinion this week. I have to make this decision within the next two weeks. Help?
4/16/11
A Difficult Time
It's been really hard for me to post, I have thought about it a hundred times in the last weeks, but everything has just been so miserable, and I had this terrible feeling that it would all just be depressing bad news and complaints for people to read, so as much as I've really craved support and feedback, I've been afraid to post.
Three weeks ago when I returned from Florida, a really nice break with lots of sunny beaches and calm sweet time with my honey, (plus it was the beginning of relief from a long period of first trimester 24 hour nausea, on and off depression and exhaustion), anyway when I got back to NYC, I had a day of seeing clients before we went off to Long Island to celebrate my stepdad's 80th birthday with a weekend gathering of a gang of family I haven't seen in a long time. I was excited that I was going to announce the pregnancy there.
I had had a headache that had gone on for 2-3 days and I just wasn't feeling well. My pregnancy books said headaches in the second trimester were to be expected. I felt a strong need to show up at the birthday gathering, it meant a lot to me, but I woke up the day after arriving there with the same weird, bad headache on the left side of my head, and just felt off. I called the midwife on call at my OB's office and she said to have my blood pressure taken. We drove to a local walk-in clinic that didn't take my insurance and charged $100.. walked out and went to the local drugstore for a reading. The reading was so high, I thought the cuff was just too tight. We ended up buying a bp machine, and then still going back to the clinic because we didn't believe my BP was so high. At the clinic it was somewhere in the 180's. They sent us to the local emergency room. I was put on IV magnesium, and two other drugs that made me so ill I couldn't see straight. At one point my BP was 200 over 110. I began vomiting. Over the next 24 hours I vomited so hard that I broke blood vessels in my eye. I was sent by ambulance to Stony Brook Hospital. They kept me there for 5 days and did every test you can imagine on me. I won't bore you with the details, but the upshot was just a diagnosis of hypertension. I was warned that I have a high chance of getting pre enclampsia, tho they don't diagnose that until after 20 weeks, and I was only 17 weeks at that time.
The other thing going on was a very bizarre and painful condition that I have had since I got pregnant. It's called Reynauds syndrome of the nipple. People usually get Reynauds in their fingers and toes, and it is a vasospasm, often but not always caused by cold, that turns them white, and then blue. I get it in my nipples. It is the most painful experience I have ever had, it feels like I'm being tortured with pliers. It compares to the pain I felt when I was having surgery and the anesthesia wore off in the middle. It burns. I have a high pain tolerance, but this has made me cry. I was getting it about once a day or so, for about 15 minutes, before the hospitalization. I told every single health professional I encountered about it and got lame responses from my OB's like, "try moisturizer" and "my wife had really bad breast pain too" and from the midwives and my doula, "I've never heard of it, I'll look into it". I ultimately learned what it was, from googling "severe nipple pain". There were quite a lot of women on the Internet wondering what the heck it was.
The kicker was that the drugs that they gave me in the hospital aggravated the syndrome, so that I was getting episodes every hour or two. No one knew that..about the drugs. They ended up having a meeting there to educate themselves on it, to their credit. Finally I was put on Nifedapine (pro.cardia) which was what I kept telling people was the answer. It has lessened the torture, but has not gotten rid of it. I still get it many times a day but it is a bit more tolerable.
By the way, I was treated very well at Stony Brook. I hate and fear hospitals in general, but I have a new respect for their potential. I felt respected, listened to and very thoroughly cared for, and had a lovely private room in the antenatal section. My husband was allowed to sleep there with me the whole time. We joked about finding one of the linen closets and having hospital sex a la Gray's Anatomy, but I didn't really feel up to it :)
A few days after being discharged (on medication now for BP) We visited my Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctor upstate. When I walked in she said "I guess they didn't diagnose you with Pre Enclampsia because you're still pregnant". I felt like she punched me in the solar plexus. I still feel my understanding of Pre Enclampsia is tentative but what I seem to be getting is that the "cure" for it is to deliver your baby or babies whether they are viable or not. This is terrifying for me.
My Obstetricians office had basically fired us over the phone while I was in the hospital. The Doctor my husband spoke to said "we're too rinky dink for your needs"... OK, well better know that now than later. Long story short we have found a wonderful, heartfelt, kind and good doc, who shares a practice with a very reputable high risk specialist. I am extremely happy with them. They only downside is that they are in Manhattan, two and a half hours away! My husband and I are seriously considering moving back to the city. Very seriously, and soon.
We went for my first appointment there 3 days ago, and they did the anatomy scan. Baby A is a boy. I am afraid to celebrate anything.
Baby B is now three weeks behind (they can't see the sex), and the doc saw something in the abdomen that concerned him. Some fluid.. he wasn't sure what it was so I am referred to a super rock star doc at NY.U for another sonogram next week. The doc said that there could be an issue like downs or trisomy 18 (even though our screening came out well before). Or that there might be a defective placenta due to the high blood pressure. In any case no one has much good to say about the fate of baby B.
I can't even begin to say how upsetting this has all been. Maybe in a later post I can describe some of the feelings coming up. One result has been that I am afraid to have any hopes for any baby at all. I am so afraid of the the images of their death and suffering that play in my head all the time. And all this is while I can still feel them swimming around inside, still a new feeling.
Three weeks ago when I returned from Florida, a really nice break with lots of sunny beaches and calm sweet time with my honey, (plus it was the beginning of relief from a long period of first trimester 24 hour nausea, on and off depression and exhaustion), anyway when I got back to NYC, I had a day of seeing clients before we went off to Long Island to celebrate my stepdad's 80th birthday with a weekend gathering of a gang of family I haven't seen in a long time. I was excited that I was going to announce the pregnancy there.
I had had a headache that had gone on for 2-3 days and I just wasn't feeling well. My pregnancy books said headaches in the second trimester were to be expected. I felt a strong need to show up at the birthday gathering, it meant a lot to me, but I woke up the day after arriving there with the same weird, bad headache on the left side of my head, and just felt off. I called the midwife on call at my OB's office and she said to have my blood pressure taken. We drove to a local walk-in clinic that didn't take my insurance and charged $100.. walked out and went to the local drugstore for a reading. The reading was so high, I thought the cuff was just too tight. We ended up buying a bp machine, and then still going back to the clinic because we didn't believe my BP was so high. At the clinic it was somewhere in the 180's. They sent us to the local emergency room. I was put on IV magnesium, and two other drugs that made me so ill I couldn't see straight. At one point my BP was 200 over 110. I began vomiting. Over the next 24 hours I vomited so hard that I broke blood vessels in my eye. I was sent by ambulance to Stony Brook Hospital. They kept me there for 5 days and did every test you can imagine on me. I won't bore you with the details, but the upshot was just a diagnosis of hypertension. I was warned that I have a high chance of getting pre enclampsia, tho they don't diagnose that until after 20 weeks, and I was only 17 weeks at that time.
The other thing going on was a very bizarre and painful condition that I have had since I got pregnant. It's called Reynauds syndrome of the nipple. People usually get Reynauds in their fingers and toes, and it is a vasospasm, often but not always caused by cold, that turns them white, and then blue. I get it in my nipples. It is the most painful experience I have ever had, it feels like I'm being tortured with pliers. It compares to the pain I felt when I was having surgery and the anesthesia wore off in the middle. It burns. I have a high pain tolerance, but this has made me cry. I was getting it about once a day or so, for about 15 minutes, before the hospitalization. I told every single health professional I encountered about it and got lame responses from my OB's like, "try moisturizer" and "my wife had really bad breast pain too" and from the midwives and my doula, "I've never heard of it, I'll look into it". I ultimately learned what it was, from googling "severe nipple pain". There were quite a lot of women on the Internet wondering what the heck it was.
The kicker was that the drugs that they gave me in the hospital aggravated the syndrome, so that I was getting episodes every hour or two. No one knew that..about the drugs. They ended up having a meeting there to educate themselves on it, to their credit. Finally I was put on Nifedapine (pro.cardia) which was what I kept telling people was the answer. It has lessened the torture, but has not gotten rid of it. I still get it many times a day but it is a bit more tolerable.
By the way, I was treated very well at Stony Brook. I hate and fear hospitals in general, but I have a new respect for their potential. I felt respected, listened to and very thoroughly cared for, and had a lovely private room in the antenatal section. My husband was allowed to sleep there with me the whole time. We joked about finding one of the linen closets and having hospital sex a la Gray's Anatomy, but I didn't really feel up to it :)
A few days after being discharged (on medication now for BP) We visited my Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctor upstate. When I walked in she said "I guess they didn't diagnose you with Pre Enclampsia because you're still pregnant". I felt like she punched me in the solar plexus. I still feel my understanding of Pre Enclampsia is tentative but what I seem to be getting is that the "cure" for it is to deliver your baby or babies whether they are viable or not. This is terrifying for me.
My Obstetricians office had basically fired us over the phone while I was in the hospital. The Doctor my husband spoke to said "we're too rinky dink for your needs"... OK, well better know that now than later. Long story short we have found a wonderful, heartfelt, kind and good doc, who shares a practice with a very reputable high risk specialist. I am extremely happy with them. They only downside is that they are in Manhattan, two and a half hours away! My husband and I are seriously considering moving back to the city. Very seriously, and soon.
We went for my first appointment there 3 days ago, and they did the anatomy scan. Baby A is a boy. I am afraid to celebrate anything.
Baby B is now three weeks behind (they can't see the sex), and the doc saw something in the abdomen that concerned him. Some fluid.. he wasn't sure what it was so I am referred to a super rock star doc at NY.U for another sonogram next week. The doc said that there could be an issue like downs or trisomy 18 (even though our screening came out well before). Or that there might be a defective placenta due to the high blood pressure. In any case no one has much good to say about the fate of baby B.
I can't even begin to say how upsetting this has all been. Maybe in a later post I can describe some of the feelings coming up. One result has been that I am afraid to have any hopes for any baby at all. I am so afraid of the the images of their death and suffering that play in my head all the time. And all this is while I can still feel them swimming around inside, still a new feeling.
3/25/11
Magical, and strange, 16 weeks
I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long.. I've been away in Florida on vacation for almost two weeks. I only have a moment now to before I get ready for my work day. Being in sunshine and on the beach, seeing dolphins and manatees and all sorts of beautiful birds, herons and pelicans, after this horrible winter has lifted my spirits so that I actually feel normal again. (Tho nothing about pregnancy feels remotely normal).
The most exciting things that have happened in the past 2 weeks are that I can feel the babies moving.. tiny little rolls and pokes almost too faint to feel. It's a very strange experience, let me tell you. I look forward to it, but its also taking some getting used to. I have actually been feeling movement since the 13th week believe it or not, I just wasn't positive.
The other exciting thing is that my belly is getting biiiiig. Like bIIIIIG. One of my clients guessed that I was pregnant. I thought that would not happen yet, because I had a belly that looked a bit pregnant even before I got pregnant. But she caught me rubbing my stomach, the one and only time I have ever done that pregnancy related rub.. she is very observant. She was very happy for me, but I think there will be fallout, especially since I went away on vacation immediately after. And she has abandonment issues. Well, I am off to see her now. Must go.
The most exciting things that have happened in the past 2 weeks are that I can feel the babies moving.. tiny little rolls and pokes almost too faint to feel. It's a very strange experience, let me tell you. I look forward to it, but its also taking some getting used to. I have actually been feeling movement since the 13th week believe it or not, I just wasn't positive.
The other exciting thing is that my belly is getting biiiiig. Like bIIIIIG. One of my clients guessed that I was pregnant. I thought that would not happen yet, because I had a belly that looked a bit pregnant even before I got pregnant. But she caught me rubbing my stomach, the one and only time I have ever done that pregnancy related rub.. she is very observant. She was very happy for me, but I think there will be fallout, especially since I went away on vacation immediately after. And she has abandonment issues. Well, I am off to see her now. Must go.
3/7/11
13 weeks, 4 days.
I hope someone wants the crinone... Don't be shy.
Today was good because after it rained for almost 24 hours we no longer have several feet of frozen ex-snow, but are left with inches. It was sunny and I took a walk with my honey and felt some hope that the horrible horrible winter with its lonely days and nights of cabin fever and gray and such a difficult start to this blessed pregnancy, with a return of depression and fear and lack of joy that I have not experienced in ten years, would maybe be over... some sunshine and physical movement gave me hope. It has been such a blow to me to not be able to feel the joy of being pregnant. How bizarre. I'm having more happy moments, between the tears.
On the cheering walk we stopped at a little food place and shared a tuna melt and I had a cup of matzo ball soup with a giant fluffy matzoh ball. My appetite is coming back a bit, in fits and starts between the nausea, and that sandwich and soup tasted like the best food I have ever eaten. I have actually lost weight since I became pregnant, about 8 pounds. More bizarre experiences for me.. I am a total foodie and I love to cook, and I am also a bit of an overeater, but food has just been gross in general for several months now, and forget cooking. I felt sorry for my honey and got it together to make two quiches, so he would have something, poor guy, and I hadn't realized that onions would make me gag, so I never ate any at all. Sigh. I realize that now the babies are entering an intense growing phase, so I pray that I can eat.
Saw the babies at the Nuchal Translucency screening last week, and they were looking a lot more like babies than the little squirmy "teddy grahams" (that's what one of my RE's nurses called them.. I said "I will never eat teddy grahams again")they were a few weeks back. I felt more connected to them this time, they are getting realer and realer. I am very grateful to say that the NT tests had good results, and the babies are measuring as they should be. Thank god. Finally really got a good look at twin b who has a slower heart rate (in the 150's) than twin a,(160's) and measures a tiny bit smaller. This is a great relief as we had never actually gotten a heart rate on her/him, or a proper measurement.
So, I can finally no longer sleep on my stomach... I was hoping it would last forever, who was I kidding? I can sort of do it if I bend one knee and kind of brace myself. Hm. The belly is getting bigger, tho it's hard to see distinctly with me because I have a padding of belly fat already, but boy can I feel it, its hard, and swollen feeling. Sometimes when I am lying still, I swear I can feel movements in there... can't be sure yet. I am starting to feel excited.
My honey and I are taking off for ten days to Sarasota.. I can't wait for sun and hopefully I can swim, I am really a water baby. Which reminds me, I keep hearing from the nurse and now my doula, that because I have twins, I wont be allowed to do a water birth. I am livid! So sick of the medicalization of birth issues. I have been watching beautiful water deliveries of twins on video. They say this before knowing if I will have any complications. I need to explore this more with the doula we just hired, who I really like. I will report back. Anyway, I am hoping for a recognizable furthering of spring when I return from sunny Florida, and a further lifting of my depression.
Today was good because after it rained for almost 24 hours we no longer have several feet of frozen ex-snow, but are left with inches. It was sunny and I took a walk with my honey and felt some hope that the horrible horrible winter with its lonely days and nights of cabin fever and gray and such a difficult start to this blessed pregnancy, with a return of depression and fear and lack of joy that I have not experienced in ten years, would maybe be over... some sunshine and physical movement gave me hope. It has been such a blow to me to not be able to feel the joy of being pregnant. How bizarre. I'm having more happy moments, between the tears.
On the cheering walk we stopped at a little food place and shared a tuna melt and I had a cup of matzo ball soup with a giant fluffy matzoh ball. My appetite is coming back a bit, in fits and starts between the nausea, and that sandwich and soup tasted like the best food I have ever eaten. I have actually lost weight since I became pregnant, about 8 pounds. More bizarre experiences for me.. I am a total foodie and I love to cook, and I am also a bit of an overeater, but food has just been gross in general for several months now, and forget cooking. I felt sorry for my honey and got it together to make two quiches, so he would have something, poor guy, and I hadn't realized that onions would make me gag, so I never ate any at all. Sigh. I realize that now the babies are entering an intense growing phase, so I pray that I can eat.
Saw the babies at the Nuchal Translucency screening last week, and they were looking a lot more like babies than the little squirmy "teddy grahams" (that's what one of my RE's nurses called them.. I said "I will never eat teddy grahams again")they were a few weeks back. I felt more connected to them this time, they are getting realer and realer. I am very grateful to say that the NT tests had good results, and the babies are measuring as they should be. Thank god. Finally really got a good look at twin b who has a slower heart rate (in the 150's) than twin a,(160's) and measures a tiny bit smaller. This is a great relief as we had never actually gotten a heart rate on her/him, or a proper measurement.
So, I can finally no longer sleep on my stomach... I was hoping it would last forever, who was I kidding? I can sort of do it if I bend one knee and kind of brace myself. Hm. The belly is getting bigger, tho it's hard to see distinctly with me because I have a padding of belly fat already, but boy can I feel it, its hard, and swollen feeling. Sometimes when I am lying still, I swear I can feel movements in there... can't be sure yet. I am starting to feel excited.
My honey and I are taking off for ten days to Sarasota.. I can't wait for sun and hopefully I can swim, I am really a water baby. Which reminds me, I keep hearing from the nurse and now my doula, that because I have twins, I wont be allowed to do a water birth. I am livid! So sick of the medicalization of birth issues. I have been watching beautiful water deliveries of twins on video. They say this before knowing if I will have any complications. I need to explore this more with the doula we just hired, who I really like. I will report back. Anyway, I am hoping for a recognizable furthering of spring when I return from sunny Florida, and a further lifting of my depression.
3/2/11
Crinone to Give Away
We were short a few Crinone doses to complete our protocol, and found that the cost for those would be the same $50 insurance copayment as two whole boxes..That stuff is expensive at over $20 a dose! So I ordered two boxes figuring some internet sister could use some free Crinone. I have a full unopened box of 15 and an open box of 11 (of course the actual Crinone sticks are unopened), left. Its all brand new.. just got it. And lordy I am glad to be seeing the last of it however important it was to the present survival of this pregnancy, hallelujah, I'm done with it!!
Just leave some contact info in the comments, of send me an email at birdolove@gmail.com.
Just leave some contact info in the comments, of send me an email at birdolove@gmail.com.
2/19/11
Adopting Pets After IVF Losses
I have noticed that people (including myself) tend to adopt pets after an IVF loss. I have seen it several times in blogs, and one of my clients adopted two cats after a twin miscarriage. I adopted two kittens after my failed IVF last March. I already had a cat. The kittens, who are almost a year old now, have given me endless hours of love, joy and entertainment. They are also a lot of work and big presences in a small house. I have often wondered, sitting in my itty bitty home, why I adopted two, instead of one.
The overt story is that my husband and I went to the local SPCA after impatiently waiting 6 weeks after our failed IVF for "kitten season" to begin, and after sitting for an hour in a little room full of tiny kittens crawling all over us, we had attached to two different little ones. When we realized this, we traded kittens, and attempting to be open to each others point of view, proceeded to fall in love with each others kitten. Sigh. It was my idea to leave with both. Now that I love them, I don't want to think of not having had one of them, but honestly, it was one kitten too many. We have too many cats. I had such a strong maternal need at hat moment, and maybe my honey had a paternal one.
The not so overt reason, possibly, that we have two kittens, may be that I had this fantasy of having twins... whether it was a wish or a foretelling, who knows.
What has come up now, with my twin pregnancy, is that I feel crowded, claustrophobic, and like there are/will be too many critters in the house. I am faced with the difficult possibility of perhaps giving away one of thebabies cats. This is close to unimaginable for me. Of course it would have to be to someone I know. But still, I feel like I am doing something awful. I may not be able to do it.
On the pregnancy front, I have finally met one of the OB's in the practice I am using, and I liked him a lot. He seemed laid back and accessible. I have one more to meet. They both deliver at a local birthing center that has birthing tubs and a nice porch with rocking chairs (among other amenities). I have been told that if I have complications that force me to give birth in the nearby hospital with the level 3 NICU, I won't have either of them (I'll have some unknown dr). I'm not so crazy about that idea. I also will be seeing a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist at the fancy hospital. She will do the Nuchal Translucency test there soon, in the next two weeks. I am at 11 weeks 2 days now.
We did a very quick scan on Friday, mostly because I told the Dr I was panicking and not convinced I was pregnant anymore.. why you ask? because I found that I could sleep on my stomach again, comfortably. Plus I wasn't nauseous for a day or two. Anyway, there are still two babies in there, one of whom was flipping around like a gymnast. I really hope that's normal, and not an indicator of a hyper child! So, all appears to be well in there. That's good.
The overt story is that my husband and I went to the local SPCA after impatiently waiting 6 weeks after our failed IVF for "kitten season" to begin, and after sitting for an hour in a little room full of tiny kittens crawling all over us, we had attached to two different little ones. When we realized this, we traded kittens, and attempting to be open to each others point of view, proceeded to fall in love with each others kitten. Sigh. It was my idea to leave with both. Now that I love them, I don't want to think of not having had one of them, but honestly, it was one kitten too many. We have too many cats. I had such a strong maternal need at hat moment, and maybe my honey had a paternal one.
The not so overt reason, possibly, that we have two kittens, may be that I had this fantasy of having twins... whether it was a wish or a foretelling, who knows.
What has come up now, with my twin pregnancy, is that I feel crowded, claustrophobic, and like there are/will be too many critters in the house. I am faced with the difficult possibility of perhaps giving away one of the
On the pregnancy front, I have finally met one of the OB's in the practice I am using, and I liked him a lot. He seemed laid back and accessible. I have one more to meet. They both deliver at a local birthing center that has birthing tubs and a nice porch with rocking chairs (among other amenities). I have been told that if I have complications that force me to give birth in the nearby hospital with the level 3 NICU, I won't have either of them (I'll have some unknown dr). I'm not so crazy about that idea. I also will be seeing a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist at the fancy hospital. She will do the Nuchal Translucency test there soon, in the next two weeks. I am at 11 weeks 2 days now.
We did a very quick scan on Friday, mostly because I told the Dr I was panicking and not convinced I was pregnant anymore.. why you ask? because I found that I could sleep on my stomach again, comfortably. Plus I wasn't nauseous for a day or two. Anyway, there are still two babies in there, one of whom was flipping around like a gymnast. I really hope that's normal, and not an indicator of a hyper child! So, all appears to be well in there. That's good.
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