I know its been a terribly long time since I last posted. I think about posting all the time, and read blogs every day. You are all in my consciousness, and in my highest prayers, even if you didn't know it! I'm not clear on why I haven't wanted to write, but I haven't. I realize that I left on a tragic note, and I do want to say that the last 2 months have been good, the best in the pregnancy. I have felt well, and have really enjoyed the enjoyable parts of pregnancy, mostly consisting of being kicked and poked by this little guys feet and hands. I am dying of suspense to know who is in there!
Suddenly I am in my last month, here. As the weeks go by, and the baby passes milestones of maturity, I feel more and more joy and excitement. I'm still surprised that I'm pregnant. I love to catch myself in the mirror, and see this big belly. Up until this month I don't think it has been that obvious, because I was big to start out with, and usually wear flowy types of clothes. Believe it or not, I am still wearing non-maternity clothing. Not of course jeans, or anything fitted, but most of my dresses and a good many of my other clothes fit great! This is a very good thing, because if you have ever tried to find plus size maternity wear you are in for a very, very sad experience. Anyway. I saw myself lying naked on the bed, on my back, in the mirror for the first time this afternoon (having just moved the mirror), and I am HUGE! Mountainous! Bodacious! Rotund! And I LOVE it! And its getting harder and harder to do simple things like get out of bed. Forget picking something up off of the ground. That involves getting all bowlegged, and grunty and out of breath.
So much has happened in my life since the last post. We moved back into my apartment in the West Village, to be near the hospital since I was/am so high risk, and because I felt so isolated last year in our little town in the country, I couldn't imagine going through another winter there, especially with a baby.
We have been getting the apartment furnished and livable.. on a severe budget. The apartment was once an "L" shaped studio, now with a wall built in the L to make a tiny one bedroom. A portable crib fits in one side of a closet you walk through to get to the bathroom. The place is small. It's a little weird coming back here, I've had the place for 29 years, it was my first apartment when I was 20 (yes, that makes me 49 if you're counting). I went through a lot in this place, a lot of years of loneliness, depression and spiritual and emotional growth. And now I return here with a wonderful husband, and a hoped-for baby boy in my belly.
Goodness I have so much to say. You want to hear the darndest thing? We are in the midst of acquiring baby stuff. That will be fun to post about soon, I notice people like to describe the stuff they get, and I tend to enjoy reading about it. (as I struggle to keep my space uncluttered, ha ha). Anyway, as a design junkie, for years as I longed for a baby, I drooled over the uber expensive Bugaboo strollers that cruise the West Village in flocks and hordes. Especially the red ones. Now, we are not rich, and my beloved husband is looking for a job, so we found a nice, cheaper other kind of stroller to register for. (My shower is tomorrow and nobody bought it). The darndest thing part is, two days ago, as I was exiting my dr.s office after my weekly appointment, in a pissy mood because I had been kept waiting for-ever, there in front of me, parked next to a bus stop, was a red Bugaboo Cameleon, with a "for free" sign scrawled on a piece of cardboard attached to it. I kid you not. It was used, but in wonderful condition. I took it home and my husband cleaned it up, we washed all of the fabric on it (which all comes off easily), and Voila! our new stroller.
Unfortunately there was no infant bassinet included in my find. I may have to look on ebay.
I am anticipating my baby shower tomorrow with excitement mixed with embarrassment. Why embarrassed, you may ask? I guess it's that feeling of being an impostor, a fraud, a fake.. this a result of not getting married and easily pregnant when I was 25, or 30, of now being months shy of my 50th birthday, and having tried to get pregnant now for ten years. Oh yeah, and using IUI's, IVF and the cherry on top? Donor eggs.
Something that makes me smile right now is that I attended a baby shower three years ago, given in this very same gracious home, for a friend who had also used ALL of these same methods to reach her goal. So I walk in her footsteps. Thank you V.!
The excited part of me is relishing the attention and celebration and gifts for this very much wanted baby! I will leave you with a photo taken tonight, of me standing next to a pile of gifts that have come in over the last two weeks. I will open them at the party tomorrow. I got bold (against my usual more discreet nature) and told everyone near and far that I had a registry, and look what happened.