7 (maybe more?) Embryos growing

Our donor gave us 19 eggs yesterday morning, 12 of which were mature, and ICSI'd. This morning I got a call saying that 7 had fertilized, and "we'll see" about the other 5. We are going for a day 5 transfer, April 3.


A Day

I've been feeling unbearably antsy and irritable today. My DH and I were spending most of the day in our living room (really the only decent sized room in this little cottage) in front of the wood stove which is going again now that our 70 degree days have turned back in to 17 degree nights... sounds cozy, but I just couldn't tolerate anything that he said to me. He was in get-ready mode since this upcoming week is our transfer week. I was in I'm-hormonal-and-I-just-want-to-read-blogs-in-peace mode and he kept interrupting me every few minutes with things we had to do. All day. This included sex, btw, which we HAD to have before it got too late today, because he is contributing his manly juices to our baby making endeavor on Monday, and apparently it was essential to uh, renew these juices no later than 48 hours ahead of time. I was pretty well ready to tell him to go renew them all by himself, but I managed to calm my irritation with a bath, swim up through the murky waters of hormonally induced fog and join him. While he was sleeping blissfully, I, in a frenzy, baked the deepest darkest chocolate brownies ever. I have been craving chocolate, but have been finding whatever products I have bought to be just not yummy or chocolaty enough, so, I did what I had to do, and baked them myself.

After DH woke up he continued to irritate me. I know that it is partly because he is extremely anxious about the retrieval day and his important role. This man has been taking every sperm enhancing herb and vitamin available, plus going to acupuncture, for months. Hmf. I thought I was the suffering, obsessed infertile around here, but you should just see this man googling every little thing...with knitted brow. You ladies would be impressed.

He really is a very lovable guy, but I had to get out of the house, cause his anxiety and mine just weren't working well together. So I went on a walk through our lovely little town. DH would skin me alive, but I smoked half of one of my last 3 remaining clove cigarettes. I only smoke when I am extremely anxious.. I haven't smoked for probably 6 months, so don't you get all upset at me, too. The US has banned clove cigarettes, and I can't get them anywhere. So I only have 2 1/2 left. Scary. So the walk was really nice, I peeked into the new cheese shop, and walked down the little dirt road by the waterfall. I stood for about ten minutes watching a very tall pine tree fill up with turkey vultures, which are giant birds. They flew to to the tree one at a time, appearing from who knows where and floating, with their 6 foot wingspan, to the tree, where they would shuffle themselves around till they found their sleeping places. It was cool. then I found a giant feather, one of theirs, bigger than any feather I have ever seen. Picked some just budding forsythia branches, and walked home feeling like a new woman. Hubby has retreated to the kitchen and is washing dishes, leaving me to write in peace. I am wearing earplugs.

We are driving up to Syracuse tomorrow, a 7 hour round trip drive, for the donors retrieval day. I am so excited. I am mostly over being upset by the surprise our clinic gave us, that we have to travel up there twice this week.. I thought everything was going to happen nearby, in Albany, at the clinic we usually go to, but apparently they forgot to tell us, that since the donor lives in Syracuse, we have to go there. It makes sense, but they forgot to tell us. OK so we are staying in a hotel overnight both times, and I have been desperately searching the Internet for things to do in Syracuse, with pretty dismal results. Found several comments basically saying don't expect to find a lot to do or any great restaurants up here! If anyone knows any different, please enlighten me. Otherwise we will just yelp some place for dinner and probably go to a movie.

So, tomorrow, we go north, and Monday we hopefully create some embryos. The donor had 16 follicles yesterday, My lining was 7.5 on Tuesday, with still a week and a half of plumping left. Yay! Yikes! Excited! Anxious!



Don't you think maybe every ivf blog has a post called "pincushion"? Well here's mine.

Since this is my first ivf ever, I realized I have some shiny new hope and excitement that it might work, coming out in at least one mighty weird way. I have been looking forward to my lupron shots. Enjoying them. I can't tell you how strange this is for me. Especially since I have always been phobic about shots and needles of any sort. I was that kid who would start crying when I even found out I had to go to the doctor... getting a terrible knot in my stomach.
I actually volunteered for the Red Cross blood mobile when I was a teenager in an attempt to get over my fear. Didn't work. (They have BIG ass needles, have you seen them?).

So I realized that it was the ritual that I liked, kind of like a pot heads cherished routine of picking through their pot, rolling it up... (not a pot head-me but I've seen a few at close range).. in anticipation of getting stoned.. in my case on baby fantasies.
I even felt like an Olympic medalist last week when I gave myself my own shot..something I'd thought I'd never do. The lupron needle is so tiny.. if I squeeze the area, most times I literally can't even feel it go in.

I felt that way about the acupuncture too.. but it's all wearing off.. I am starting to hate it. My slightly obsessive hubby has insisted I go to acupuncture three times a week. The needles have been hurting me. They don't always, but I was sick for three weeks and they really hurt during that time. The acupuncturist said it was because my energy was weak during that time. I feel like a pincushion. I can't take being poked any more!!!


There is good news on this front. Right before I started my cycle, my RE changed the clinic protocol, from PIO shots to Crinone. I was SO relieved!!!!
I am in awe of you women who have been giving yourselves PIO shots!!!

So tomorrow I drive an hour to my clinic for what I assume is the uterine lining check and blood tests. I imagine I will hear tomorrow how the donor is doing and whether we will actually do the retrieval on Friday as projected. If all goes well, transfer in a weekish!!!

Ok, off to acupuncture.


First Post!

It's been hard for me to start this blog.

I have wanted to start this blog for, oh, to be honest, about 7 years... ever since I started trying to conceive.

I was obsessively reading a community of infertility blogs at the time. So Close, A Little Pregnant and many others, most of which have morphed in to parenting blogs as their dreams became real. I was a total lurker... but I felt tremendous support from these women.

Back then I was 41 and single. (Or single for most intents and purposes, I was still legally married to a man who things didn't work out with, and with whom I lived for one difficult year, in 1994).
But in 2003 I was living alone in a tiny apartment in Manhattan, my home town, and frankly thought I would be alone for the rest of my life. It was a very hard decision to start IUI's with donor sperm...alone. The idea of being a single mom was scary. It was a lonely process choosing a sperm donor, and a clinic. I ended up doing 11 fruitless IUI's, and eventually I started looking into adoption. I went pretty far with the process, which was complicated by my age, being single, and the fact that I only wanted to adopt a newborn. (this has to do with the fact that I am adopted, and have some anxiety about bonding).

Right around the point I was ready to move ahead with adopting, I met my beloved. It was a total shock to me to fall in love with someone I trusted completely, who was really present and accounted for, had a gorgeous heart and soul, a job, his sanity, the ability to communicate, who adored me, who I got along with well, and who wanted children. He was the first in, well, ever.

By that time I was 45. The whole adoption thing suddenly did not feel right to me, for reasons I could not explain. Partially I just needed time to be with my new relationship. So, That's what I did. We never used birth control, and he had high hopes that I would get pregnant. I never really thought I would, having done extensive, obsessive internet research on fertility... and I knew the statistic's for conceiving naturally at age 46, 47, 48. Microscopic and getting smaller.

After bearing him feeding me every fertility oriented herb, vitamin, food, etc., for 2 1/2 years, 6 months ago I agreed to visit a fertility clinic with him, largely, I admit, to have him hear firsthand that I was not going to get pregnant this way.

Funny thing happened tho.. while I had been terrified of hearing anything negative from the doctor, I actually felt some relief when he said I had such a small fraction of a percent of a chance of conceiving with my own eggs that it was pretty much zero. Just to hear the truth (as it were) spoken out loud, took a burden off of me. He recommended donor eggs. This was an idea that I had never really considered.
I spent two weeks thinking about it, feeling all sorts of upset about the idea, as well as intrigued, then, suddenly, it was the right choice, and I desperately wanted to do it! This may not seem like long enough to really think things through, but all of this has been cooking inside me for so many years, that I can trust myself when something feels right.

So here I am. By the time we had decided on a donor, it was the holidays, and then we had to elope to Hawaii.. so we started our first cycle after we got back, all legal. And tan.

I am now in the middle of my first ever IVF cycle. With donor eggs. I have been on Lupron for 11 days, and estradiol for 4. My donor started her stims yesterday. I have been feeling verrry spaced out! Porquoi? I'm sure its the drugs.. its not altogether unpleasant, except when I have to do anything other than lie around. Then I feel like I have a gray mohair-like sack over my head. Can't seeee too well... can't think much.. wanna sleeeeppp...

I feel very alone in this process, tho I do have my sweetie, I am missing female friends. Moving to the country from NYC recently, I have not yet connected with people here in the intimate way I like. At 48, my other friends either have made their peace with childlessness, or have adult or older children. I only have one beloved friend who is my age and just adopted a baby after a loooong journey of wanting children, wooo hooo for her!! She lives in Alaska, far far away.

So, hey! Internet friends gratefully welcome. Can't wait to meet you!