My little flower

I've been scared to post because the subject of selective reduction is so difficult and painful, and the last thing I need, personally, is critical opinions. BUT, I have only gotten wonderful support from everyone so far, everyone who commented on this blog, and in my real life. I'm very grateful. It's good to be pleasantly surprised by compassion.

We terminated the little girl two weeks ago. I still have my little boy kicking away inside of me. I feel much better physically now, and with that and the reduced medical risks, I have actually been enjoying being pregnant for the first time.

We weren't given much time to decide, really less than a week. It was so short because New York State laws prohibit terminating after 24 weeks, and I was almost there.

We did get a second opinion, and contacted and spoke to several other medical professionals in the field, all of whom agreed with our doctor. I got a clearer picture of what was going on. I am left with the fact that my current doc is not a very good communicator. Clear and thorough communication is very important to me!

So we started to feel clearer, and then I did something really interesting. I had a session over the phone with a medical intuitive. We told him that we had to make a decision about terminating one twin in a pregnancy. (that's all). He went through every organ and system of each baby. and of mine. He told me that one of my twins was very small with little amniotic fluid. He said that there had been a partial separation of the placenta from the uterine wall. He said the heart was fine, but the baby's kidneys weren't working properly. He told me that the baby would die, but that it would destroy my kidneys if I waited for that. He told me to go ahead with the procedure. He also told me that her spirit wasn't strong, that she was in a very weak state. He gave the procedure an 80% chance of complete success (it could cause miscarriage, etc.)
He said that the other baby had a very strong spirit, and all the organs were fine. He did mention that the hip joints weren't developed fully, but that it could be the gestational stage, or possibly he might be prone to hip dislocation. He also said that the boy has a musical ear!
When he went through my body, he was uncannily accurate, picking up on my knee and hip issues, my vision (I need glasses) and my high blood pressure.

I actually felt very reassured by this reading, because he had confirmed all of the things that the doctors had put forth as likely scenarios. I also told him that I was concerned about feeling responsible for killing my baby girl. He said that feeling was based in an old sense of bad self esteem and feeling like I was bad, from very early in my life. He also told me that the spirit (of the baby) wasn't sad. It all made perfect sense to me.

My beloved husband and I decided to do the termination, and we were given a very immediate appointment. We sat the night before and talked about all our feelings. We stated our intentions for the highest good. We prayed for support from the universe. We asked all of the close people in our life to hold us and the babies in a place of love, and to pray or send loving energy during the time of the appointment. We were both determined to be in complete love and to hold little baby B with that love. And that's the way it happened.

The week after was hard, because I was crying a lot, feeling a lot of sadness at all odd moments. There is a particular quote that really touched me and opened up my grief. It is this:

Yet, though it is like this, simply, 
flowers fall amid our longing,
and weeds spring up amid our antipathy.
— Dogen Zenji, Genjokoan

She was my little flower that fell amidst such tender longing.. I longed for her so much.

I still have her little body inside of me, I will deliver it when I deliver my boy. I have no idea what that will be like. I have concerns. So far, the thought of it hasn't taken over, I feel that she is gone, I'm much more aware of the kicks and wiggles I feel from the boy who is already probably twice her size.

And so it is, for now.

A Rock and a Hard Place @ 22 Weeks

I am in the most excruciating position I have ever been in. Both of my Dr.s are recommending that I terminate baby "B", who I now know is my little girl.

Last week I had a amniocentesis to help determine why baby B had growth restriction, hyperechoic bowel, and little amniotic fluid. They had trouble getting to her sac, and had to put the needle in six times. I can't believe I survived it. It hurt when it went in initially, and felt like a terrible piercing punch when going through my uterus, and then he would fish around, and I could feel the length of the needle through me. Once would have been bearable. The babies kicked the whole time and I kept worrying about them getting hurt by the needle. I listened to the Mahamrityunjaya Mantra on headphones and held my husbands hand. Despite feeling traumatized I also felt like a warrior.

Yesterday we were told that the results were normal, but they recommend termination. (why put us through that amnio?) The Dr's are afraid that her condition will put me at risk for early preenclampsia, and very early delivery of both babies. They want me to have a better chance with baby "A" who looks normal. He is a very cute boy by the way, I got a sonogram pic that actually shows his little face somewhat and what a sweet little face!!!

I have no idea what to do. It feels like Sophie's choice.

Will I be murdering my own sweet girl who could possibly be normal? And then carrying her body with my living baby till birth? Will I be saving the life of my boy and maybe myself? Will I ever get over the burden of this choice? why can't the doctors tell me something that will make me feel more clear?

I am having a second opinion this week. I have to make this decision within the next two weeks. Help?