My little flower

I've been scared to post because the subject of selective reduction is so difficult and painful, and the last thing I need, personally, is critical opinions. BUT, I have only gotten wonderful support from everyone so far, everyone who commented on this blog, and in my real life. I'm very grateful. It's good to be pleasantly surprised by compassion.

We terminated the little girl two weeks ago. I still have my little boy kicking away inside of me. I feel much better physically now, and with that and the reduced medical risks, I have actually been enjoying being pregnant for the first time.

We weren't given much time to decide, really less than a week. It was so short because New York State laws prohibit terminating after 24 weeks, and I was almost there.

We did get a second opinion, and contacted and spoke to several other medical professionals in the field, all of whom agreed with our doctor. I got a clearer picture of what was going on. I am left with the fact that my current doc is not a very good communicator. Clear and thorough communication is very important to me!

So we started to feel clearer, and then I did something really interesting. I had a session over the phone with a medical intuitive. We told him that we had to make a decision about terminating one twin in a pregnancy. (that's all). He went through every organ and system of each baby. and of mine. He told me that one of my twins was very small with little amniotic fluid. He said that there had been a partial separation of the placenta from the uterine wall. He said the heart was fine, but the baby's kidneys weren't working properly. He told me that the baby would die, but that it would destroy my kidneys if I waited for that. He told me to go ahead with the procedure. He also told me that her spirit wasn't strong, that she was in a very weak state. He gave the procedure an 80% chance of complete success (it could cause miscarriage, etc.)
He said that the other baby had a very strong spirit, and all the organs were fine. He did mention that the hip joints weren't developed fully, but that it could be the gestational stage, or possibly he might be prone to hip dislocation. He also said that the boy has a musical ear!
When he went through my body, he was uncannily accurate, picking up on my knee and hip issues, my vision (I need glasses) and my high blood pressure.

I actually felt very reassured by this reading, because he had confirmed all of the things that the doctors had put forth as likely scenarios. I also told him that I was concerned about feeling responsible for killing my baby girl. He said that feeling was based in an old sense of bad self esteem and feeling like I was bad, from very early in my life. He also told me that the spirit (of the baby) wasn't sad. It all made perfect sense to me.

My beloved husband and I decided to do the termination, and we were given a very immediate appointment. We sat the night before and talked about all our feelings. We stated our intentions for the highest good. We prayed for support from the universe. We asked all of the close people in our life to hold us and the babies in a place of love, and to pray or send loving energy during the time of the appointment. We were both determined to be in complete love and to hold little baby B with that love. And that's the way it happened.

The week after was hard, because I was crying a lot, feeling a lot of sadness at all odd moments. There is a particular quote that really touched me and opened up my grief. It is this:

Yet, though it is like this, simply, 
flowers fall amid our longing,
and weeds spring up amid our antipathy.
— Dogen Zenji, Genjokoan

She was my little flower that fell amidst such tender longing.. I longed for her so much.

I still have her little body inside of me, I will deliver it when I deliver my boy. I have no idea what that will be like. I have concerns. So far, the thought of it hasn't taken over, I feel that she is gone, I'm much more aware of the kicks and wiggles I feel from the boy who is already probably twice her size.

And so it is, for now.


  1. I am so sorry you were faced with such a terrible decision. It is clear that you love your little girl just as much as you love your little boy.

    May the rest of your pregnancy be uneventful and calm. Much love to you.

  2. No parent should ever be faced with such a decision. I'm glad you're feeling ok.

    Wishing you a peaceful and smooth pregnancy from here on.

  3. I've been thinking about you and wondering what happened.

    I'm sad and I'm glad that you made the decision that you did. I'm sad in the way that you are sad because you lost your little girl, but I'm glad also in the way that you are glad that you have a little fighter still here.

    You made the right decision because it was the right decision for you and yours. Thanks for letting us know what happened.

  4. In tears here for you and your girl. I've been thinking about you, wondering how you are. What an incredibly hard thing to go through. I'm so relieved to hear about all the other medical opinions that were in agreement.

    Your daughter was/is much loved. You did right by her. I know your son will bring you great joy.

  5. Rosie, I am so sorry you and your husband had to face and make such an unimaginable decision. I have no doubt she is an angel in heaven, feeling your love, happy to know she is your little girl forever. She will watch over you all (especially her brother!) forever.

    Prayers of comfort and strength to you and your husband-

  6. I'm so sorry you had to make that decision, I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been. I'm glad to hear that your little boy is doing well and hope he continues to thrive.

  7. i'm so sorry for you. i too was pregnant with twins but at our 8 week ultrasound, baby b's heart had stopped beating. a completely different scenario, i know, because we never had to make such a hard decision, but i just want you to know that we now have a happy healthy daughter who is almost a year and a half, and it sounds as if, based on your decision, you will soon have a happy and healthy son.
    i had an amnio (read your last post too) at 37ish weeks, my doctor had to insert the needle twice because my daughter moved her arm, i thought i would die.
    hoping you find some peace with your decision (i had never heard of a medical intuitive before reaading your post btw).

  8. I am very sad.
    I keep writing and deleting words, there isn't much to say, I guess...
    You are a very strong woman. Can't wait to read about your baby boy!

  9. I seriously would be very wound up too, if I had to make such a decision. I am so sorry you faced this situation.

    I pray your little boy would thrive and be in your arms in due time.

    Take Care!

    iclw #36

  10. Such a courageous and beautiful post! I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but am glad that you were able to find some peace. Wishing the best for you and your little boy.


  11. This is a beautiful post. And while most people (including myself) usually have pre-conceived ideas of what we would do in your situation, it's only in theory. No one knows what they truly would do until they walk in your shoes.

    I'm sorry you and your husband were faced with such a difficult decision.

    Thinking of you and wishing you all the best on the remainder of your pregnancy with your sweet baby boy.

    visiting from ICLW

  12. I'm very sorry you and your husband had to make this kind of decision. I'm so glad the intuitive was able to give you some comfort. Much love to both of you.

  13. I am glad that you were able to post this, I have no doubt that this post will help at least one person directly. I wish you the best with the rest of your pregnancy.

  14. Thank you for sharing your difficult decision. I wish you a healthy pregnancy and easy birth. ICLW

  15. Here from ICLW - what an awful decision to have to make, and one you undertook very thoughtfully. It is indeed like Sophie's choice. I hope your baby boy grows healthy and as time goes by, you continue to feel you made the correct choice.

  16. Here from ICLW, I cannot imagine having to make the choice you were faced with. I am so sorry about your little flower,

  17. I am here from ICLW, and I can imagine the heart ache you are going through, and the difficulty such a decision is to make. I miscarried at 18 and a half weeks with twins. A boy and a girl. I went in for an amnio because I was high risk due to prior miscarriages and my husbands son had been born premature with some issues. I left the hospital broken hearted and empty. My struggle since then has been a long one, but reading blogs and hearing other women's stories helps me push on. Thank you for sharing yours.

  18. Visiting from ICLW

    I'm very sorry that you were faced with that decision. Wishing you much peace.

    All the best!

  19. I know it had to be so difficult to do this... I wish you peace in the rest of your pregnancy.

  20. Oh Rosie, I can't even imagine being faced with such a heartbreaking decision. Given all the medical issues, it sounds like you definitely did the right thing. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers.

    ICLW #10

  21. I can't imagine how difficult that choice was but it seems like the best decision for your little boy and yourself. It must be incredibly hard.

    Visiting from ICLW and hoping for a completely uneventful remainder to your pregnancy.

  22. My best friend underwent a selective reduction with her second IVF pregnancy of triplets. What a heart-breaking decision. Best wishes for a happy ending.
    ICLW #118 Tracey (thefertilitydaily)

  23. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine having to make that difficult choice. I hope you can find peace and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy with your little one.


  24. I am sorry you had to face that decision. I am sure it was the hardest decision of your life. I hope your pregnancy is going better now.