I am in the most excruciating position I have ever been in. Both of my Dr.s are recommending that I terminate baby "B", who I now know is my little girl.
Last week I had a amniocentesis to help determine why baby B had growth restriction, hyperechoic bowel, and little amniotic fluid. They had trouble getting to her sac, and had to put the needle in six times. I can't believe I survived it. It hurt when it went in initially, and felt like a terrible piercing punch when going through my uterus, and then he would fish around, and I could feel the length of the needle through me. Once would have been bearable. The babies kicked the whole time and I kept worrying about them getting hurt by the needle. I listened to the Mahamrityunjaya Mantra on headphones and held my husbands hand. Despite feeling traumatized I also felt like a warrior.
Yesterday we were told that the results were normal, but they recommend termination. (why put us through that amnio?) The Dr's are afraid that her condition will put me at risk for early preenclampsia, and very early delivery of both babies. They want me to have a better chance with baby "A" who looks normal. He is a very cute boy by the way, I got a sonogram pic that actually shows his little face somewhat and what a sweet little face!!!
I have no idea what to do. It feels like Sophie's choice.
Will I be murdering my own sweet girl who could possibly be normal? And then carrying her body with my living baby till birth? Will I be saving the life of my boy and maybe myself? Will I ever get over the burden of this choice? why can't the doctors tell me something that will make me feel more clear?
I am having a second opinion this week. I have to make this decision within the next two weeks. Help?
I cannot even begin to imagine how hard this is. My heart goes out to you both.
ReplyDeleteI would grill your doctors: how high is the risk for PE? What is her viability at the various weeks of gestation? What are the odds that things will work out just fine?
Do you have a couselor that you can see? I'm sure there are professionals who deal with these terrible questions and can help you frame the decision.
Most importantly, don't panic. You will make the right decision - and by right, I mean what is right for you and for the babies.
Whatever you decide, know that there is no wrong answer here. You'll make the best decision you can based on the information that is available to you, and you'll have to try to move forward and not second guess yourself, which will be the hardest part. Get that second opinion, and a third one if you think you need it. Listen to them all. But above all, listen to your heart, listen to your husband, and make what feels like the best of a bunch of difficult choices. Good luck. We'll be here to support you.
ReplyDeleteDo they want to terminate baby B because of the pre-e risk or because she is so small?
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are going through all of this. Much love to you...
PS I read a blog of a girl who delivered at 27 weeks. One of her twins was severely IUGR and they told her all along to terminate, ect. The boys are 13 weeks or so old now. Both are still alive and doing fairly well, although the IUGR boy has had some struggles. If you want to check it out, her address is http://fromaspeck.wordpress.com/
Oh, Rosie! I think a second and third opinion will help you make your decision. I don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes.
ReplyDeleteHugs times 1000.
OH, NO! I've been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing. What an awful decision to have to make. A friend of mine had to reduce a twin pregnancy, and she agonized over it. Please feel free to email me, or if you want to talk, email me and I'll email you my phone number. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh that's a horrible decision to have to make. Sending you lots of strength.
ReplyDeleteThis is very traumatic... lots of prayers being sent all around for you and dh and baby A and baby B. Please take very good care of yourself. Imagine blue green waves of healing.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you have to face this. It's very difficult decision to make. I can't fathom how they would terminate her but allow you to carry her. Since you asked, my first thought is to give her a chance. But only you and your husband can make that choice. If she's 22 weeks, she will be viable in 2 weeks. My brother survived born at 25 1/2 weeks in 1985. You see him today you'd never know he was a micro preemie.
ReplyDeleteJust sending hugs. and faith that you will know what is best for your family.
ReplyDeleteHi Rosie,
ReplyDeleteThinking about you and hoping miracles abound. Continuing to send strength and prayers your way.
I just found your blog and I'm so sorry that you're in this position. It reminds me a little of myself just a few years ago. I was "lucky" because I was carrying identical twins so there were few choices involved. The only option that I was given was to deliver early, increasing the chances that both might survive. I wanted to give them as long as I could and, sadly, I lost one of the twins. The other was born preterm, but healthy. Although my doctor was concerned, we waited 5 weeks after the loss of one twin to deliver the other. Nobody could tell me what would turn out best but my intuition said that waiting was the right thing to do. As unsure as I was then, I now believe that I was right.
ReplyDeleteMy only advice is this: if you have an intuition about what's best, listen.
I will be thinking and praying for you and your twins.