Beta Tomorrow... Feelings

It's just all so exhausting not to have any control over something so huge as ones fertility. I have been realizing that this whole experience is perverse in terms of the quality of stress that we have to go through. I don't like to gamble, it makes me very anxious. And here I am, gambling with huge amounts of my and my mothers hard earned money. We are not rich people, this money is significant. And I'm gambling with my longing heart. The possible payoff is so big, it's my beloved child. And that's what I lose also.

I don't like this experience. I don't like it at all.

Back when I was trying to get pregnant on my own, before I got lucky meeting this sweet man I have recently married, I did eleven IUI's in one year. I was badly handled by terribly insensitive RE's. I was very shell shocked after that, in fact I can tell you (since I'm a therapist) that I had PTSD. I didn't want to talk about or even think about any kind of fertility treatments any more.

It was the promise of the magic, young, fertile, donor egg that enticed me back into this maelstrom. Everyone said it was practically a given that it would work, since age is my only apparent issue. So how is it that the magic eggs from our young and proven donor produced embryos that didn't grow right?

I've been very emotional, overwhelmed, not feeling myself at all. For months. All of the little details of going through an IVF cycle are manageable in themselves, but together they combine into something that has taken over my life with a nightmarish quality. This morning I was feeling sad while I was washing some dishes, and told Sweet Man that I felt disconnected from him. He came over to give me some affection, and as I reached for him he jumped away. Yes, I had something gross from the sink on my hands, but I burst into tears and wouldn't let him near me after that. He tried and I told him to get away. And I'm probably not pregnant so have nothing to show for being so insanely hormonal.

The Sweet Man's somewhat religious cousin happened to send us a xerox of a sign recently. It says:

Good Morning, this is GOD
I will be handling all your
problems today
I will NOT need your help
so, have a good day.

I can't say that I can totally surrender to that, but it's been interesting to contemplate.

Tomorrow is my beta, and all 3 pee sticks so far, including today's, have been negative. I realize that theoretically there have been cases (although I haven't actually heard of any specific ones) when a woman tests positive after negative hpt's, but I don't really think that's going to happen. Well, I would be shocked.


  1. I'm so sorry for the anguish you are going through. I can relate to your words regarding money. The money is one of the biggest stress points for many in IVF. Crossing my fingers that things go well for you today. I will keep you in my thoughts and will keep checking in on you.

  2. Thanks for checking into my blog and welcome to the blogosphere. I can certainly understand where you're coming from in nearly ALL of your posts. We've all been there, sister. Keep hoping for the best with your armor on! I can't wait to see what happens next in your story.

  3. I'm so sorry to hear about the negative hpt's. I've heard that poorer quality embryos can take longer to implant, so I'm still holding out hope for you.

    It's unfortunate that so many doctors hold out donor eggs as a panacea. The reality (as I know you know too!) is that even good eggs don't always implant. I have to keep reminding myself of that as we think about the future and what to do if my upcoming cycle(s) with OE don't work. No matter how badly we want it, no matter how much money we spend, there's never a guarantee and that really bothers me too. It just doesn't seem fair.

    Keeping fingers crossed for you.

  4. Rosie -- Thinking about you and hoping the evil pee sticks have it all wrong. Infertility treatments can be such a cruel game. I'll be checking back in and crossing my fingers that something magical is brewing. :)

  5. Thinking about you and waiting for an update. Lots of love!