Joyous Birdie: The Big Maybe

4/7/10

The Big Maybe

I'm Waaaaaaaaaiiiiiittttiiinnnggggg.... (tapping foot) Well that's the truth. I've been trying to act "normal", like I'm just going about my business, but my husbands "You're glowing, honey" comments, and my friends who ask "How are you? (fine), Yes, but how ARE you?" just keep blowing my game.

The little miss hopeful part of me wants to tell the world, "I feel pregnant!". That other leather clad part who's been through so many disappointments wants to cover LMH's foolish mouth while muttering.. "the embryos looked wonky".

Fact is, there is a big maybe in my life right now. That's just the way it is. Oooomm.. Make way for Ms. Zen roshi part.

All three of these parts will agree that my tits feel like lead balloons ever since I upped the crinone to three-a-day after my progesterone measured 6.5 on transfer day. That's low. Dr Google says that crinone doesn't measure in the bloodstream properly tho.. that it should be getting where its supposed to go, my uterus. But I think Dr.G is wrong, its clearly going straight to my tits.

In other interesting news, I actually recognized a fellow IF blogger when I was reading her blog for the first time today. I mean, she is someone I met once IRL, at a baby shower of all places, and we spent a good bit of time bonding over our shared desire for a child, and our mutual "advanced maternal age", TTC as a SMC which I was, but no longer am, etc. We wished each other a sincere "good luck" and parted ways. A while back I heard through our mutual baby shower friend (who btw had conceived through IVF with donor eggs) that the woman I met had been successful with a frozen donor embryo. I was so happy for her. Her baby was born on my birthday, too. I think this odd way of reconnecting feels good to me! Yay, blogosphere!

And Yay blogosphere for all the wonderful supportive comments I got from joining LFCA...
Thank you!!! They were much needed and really did help.

Well I'm 4dp5dt... got my pee sticks at the ready... Hiii-ya! Take that, 2ww! Smack you on the head with a pee stick!!!

3 comments:

DoraApril 8, 2010 at 1:11 PM
Heehee! Small world. :-) What I also remember from that baby shower was a conversation with your mom. When she found out I was TTC on my own, her reaction was, "Oh, that's so hard." I responded that it wasn't harder than not having the child I desperately wanted. I saw her face change when I said that. Maybe remembering how much she wanted YOU!

Hang in there. And don't get crazy over symptoms. Progesterone totally mimics pg symptoms. And some women don't have pg symptoms in the beginning anyway.
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JulizeApril 8, 2010 at 11:55 PM
Here's hoping those symptoms turn out to be real! I've hear too many stories about wonky embryos making beautiful babies so I'm agreeing with LMH on this one.
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MollyApril 9, 2010 at 9:01 PM
get cracking on those sticks! wonky pa tonky! They were growing and that's what matters! hope this is your month!
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A Little History

I didn't feel I was ready to have children until I had done some emotional healing of my own. This took time.

Since I was single I felt, before I had them, I had to be able to support myself and any children I had on my own. Thus, a masters in Social Work.

Post Grad study to become a psychotherapist.

This all took many years, and I was close to 40 by the time I even considered TTC alone.

Joined Single Mothers by Choice.

Asked my two best beloved male friends if they wanted to be a daddy. No, they didn't.

Researched donor sperm. Obsessively. Found the perfect donor.

Started working with a RE on west 59th Street. I was 42.

first IUI cycle canceled, because even though I was in for a sonogram practically every morning at some ungodly hour, they missed my ovulation.

Second IUI cycle. In terrible pain from trigger shot. Dr dismissed this.

Dropped out of the RE's care

Did Eleven unmedicated IUI's, All BFN's.

RE had told me they didn't work with women over 43 for IVF, I was almost 44. I was too burnt out and discouraged by the crappy doctors and feeling alone to pursue some other place.

Started researching adoption. I felt strongly that I only wanted a newborn.

Discovered that a 44 year old single woman who wanted to adopt a newborn has almost zero options.

Found a possible way I could adopt from Pakistan that would have involved me living there for up to a year. Started proceedings.

Met my honey (I was 45) and was overwhelmed with joy and love. I needed time to enjoy being in a real relationship. Postponed adoption (tho he was up for it!).

Started having mixed feelings about adoption. (we'll save that for a blog post)

TTC'd with the honey the old fashioned way for 3 years.. Tho I thought I was too old to conceive, he was hopeful.

I turn 48. I know its not happening with my own eggs. All of a sudden I open up emotionally to the possibility of donor eggs.

4/10 IVF with donor eggs. BFN

Sadly decide to switch donors.. really identified with the first one! She looked and sounded like she could be my sister. Found one who had a better success rate.

12/10 I'm now 49. DE IVF cycle #2
12/21 transfer 2 pretty blastocysts. 2 to freeze.
12/26 pos pee stick
High betas- I'm pregnant!
1/19 oh boy, it's twins!