I'm feeling a lot better. It feels good to just loose myself in daily life without thinking about my state of fertility every single second. The intensity of my focus (obsession?) was getting oppressive.
For some reason I had stopped cooking altogether for the time I was on the hormones. Isn't that strange? I think the hormones had some effects on my relationship to food.. I wasn't really hungry much, but craved junk food. It's quite possible that it was the stress of doing my first IVF cycle, however, because I tend to use food that way.
Now that I am not doing a cycle at the moment, I am eating tons of salads, and cooking lots of yummy things. Yesterday I made omlettes for my mom and some other guests visiting here, with fresh local eggs and chives I had picked nearby, goat cheese and sun dried tomatoes. They were amazing. I served them with vegetarian sausages, and cappuccinos made with organic milk (which tastes sooo much better than regular, its worth the extra $$) on the wonderful espresso machine that sweet man got me for the holidays. Last night we had gnocci with a sauce of fresh tomatoes, artichoke hearts, olive oil and a lot of garlic, served with a colorful salad. I made chocolate chip cookies for dessert.. Sweet man wanted to try a gluten free diet for a while so I made them with brown rice flour. They turned out super thin, almost like lace cookies, and stuck to the cookie sheet, but were delicious, better than regular, crispy and buttery. Yum! We ate every little crumb.
We also sat around with my mom and her boyfriend (whose combined ages are 164) and tried to answer a New York Times "Pop Quiz" entitled "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader?". Well, we're not. We were all pretty much humiliated at our lack of fifth grade knowledge. Good fun, though.
On the fertility front, this morning, on what I think was Morning Edition, I heard a poem that sounded like a list of all of what we IF's call "assvice".. the things non IFers say, in well intentioned helpfullness, to slap us out of our stupidity, and get us prgnant by, you know, "just relaxing", "just adopt and you'll get pregnant" Blah blah blah.. I was extremely surprised to hear it, since it seems like a very particular sort of "in joke" to this community, and I was very glad to hear it but, well, I can't find the poem on the NPR website anywhere! I DID hear it. Sh.....t. I wanted to link to it for ya, Oh well.
Sweet Man and I really appreciate the well informed suggestions given in my comments btw.. total opposite of assvice if you know what I mean. We are doing the chromosome test for him, and the clotting/immune tests for me. My clinic believes in the apparently controversial intralipid infusion. We are considering a different donor, tho I am not finding one that I feel as.. well related to as the one we used. Maybe give me time to re adjust. Next step for me is to have an uterine polyp removed. Sigh. I hate to do anything to traumatize my poor uterus, as I have had trauma in that area in the past and don't want to reawaken it.. but I promised myself if I didn't get pregnant this round I would try the surgery. So I am.