I know it's been over two weeks since I posted, but I have really been feeling lousy. In fact I just had a cry that started when I was telling my husband how bad I felt, and I saw his dear kind eyes looking sympathetically at me. I feel so alone in this incredibly uncomfortable body, and I find myself trying to convey how I feel to him all the time, which ends up sounding like endless complaining, making me feel even worse about myself. It was wonderful to see him really listening just now.
I always had a fantasy that being pregnant would be a voluptuous, sexy, amazing, earth mama experience. I really looked forward to it. I haven't felt anything like that. Early on, I was overwhelmed with panic and depression. Then a back spasm that took over my world, leaving me helpless with agony, and unable to stand up without help. For the last weeks I have been overcome with nausea and profound fatigue. This is in addition to a general feeling of achiness in my whole body, pretty constant uterine cramping and uncomfortable swollen feeling, headaches, and a constant stuffed nose. The nausea and fatigue are the worst. I get up in the morning and never reach that "I'm awake" place. Soon after getting up, I want to go back to sleep. I feel heavy and unmotivated. Not like depression, just tired! And the nausea is on and off all day. I am overwhelmed by it. Lately it's been the worst at dinner time, and I'm sick before, during and after eating. I don't understand how other pregnant women manage to keep working at this point. I only work one or two days a week, and drag myself there, but the rest of the time can't get myself focused on anything. I am so frustrated. I feel like a useless lump. I have a lot of work to do, and haven't done anything since I started this cycle in November! I can't concentrate at all. The physicality of it all has just blown me away. I haven't had room for the rest. I have had a day here and there when I felt better, and boy what a contrast! blue sky's and birdsong it felt like. I really hope there is some relief in sight, because between this and this unbelievably white winter all around imprisoning me, I feel like gnawing at my arms and legs to get me out of this trap!
I have also been very scared about mothering twins. I have always been a one on one type of person, and have imagined bonding with one baby. I am having trouble imagining sharing my focus between two. How can I give each of then enough contact and attention? Also, how will I get around! No taxi rides to meet friends with these babies! Stuck in the house is more like it.
This whole past year or so, when I was doing the IVF, I would fantasize about twins, I really wanted twins. I feel like I put that longing out in to the universe big time. There is a part of me that feels happy and content with this outcome, but I have been keyed in to the fear and trepidation lately, probably because I feel so sick all the time. On top of it all my honey lost his job in the fall and is still unemployed, and this is causing me a lot of anxiety.
Some good news, I am finally done with the Progesterone in oil injections. What a relief. In the last weeks I had gotten so I couldn't stand them at all. My honey and I had figured out how to do them so they weren't too bad, but I was just burnt out, and my hip area was so sore.
I also did graduate from my RE's office, and got one last sonogram at 9 weeks. Saw one of the tiny babes actually wiggling, which was very exciting.
I met with a nurse in my new OB's office last week, and had no exam, just a million questions. I feel OK about their handling me as an high risk pregnancy. They are willing to try to keep me on track to give birth vaginally, in a birthing center, as long as there are no major complications, and the babies stay put past 36 weeks. Otherwise there is a back up hospital nearby with a level 3 NICU. The OB I have chosen works with midwives on his staff. I haven't met him yet. I will have an appointment with his partner this week, meeting him next time. I will also be seeing a Maternal-Fetal medicine specialist.
In case I haven't made it clear, I am high risk because I am 49, pregnant with twins, and I am about 285 pounds. So far I haven't encountered any judgmental attitudes about my age or weight, but I am afraid of them! My mother is the only one who harps on such things, and that's her way, she loves me more than anything else on the planet.
Which reminds me. Valentines day is tomorrow, and that is the day, as my mother reminds me every year, that I was first placed in her arms, at the Children's Aid Society adoption agency. She says it was the happiest day of her life. She always makes me feel so loved and wanted when she tells me this story! Big love for my mom!!!
Happy Valentines day to all of you, (especially all you moms and pre-moms with that longing in your hearts). May you all be filled with love and joy.