Oh My, Oh My

We had our 6 week scan yesterday and as soon as the image appeared on the screen I could clearly see two sacs. I said "Is that two?" I was totally shocked. I had been thinking twins, with the high betas, but somehow that scan last week with the dot had me convinced that there was only one. Oh my.

In any case we only saw one heartbeat (which was very exciting and moving to see!), but two gestational, and two yolk sacs, and the nurse said we couldn't get that good a picture, (I wondered if it was my fat in the way?)and we will look again next week for the other heartbeat. She seemed pretty positive, but I'm on pins and needles to know.

I am experiencing a great difference in the feeling of wishing for twins (which I did) and actually being faced with the reality of two inside of me! I have been panicking. Alternating between thoughts of two sweet armfuls of joy, and two screaming needy babes taking over my whole life. worrying about my lack of a support system. I'm sure there's plenty of reality in all of that, but I realize you can never know what something will really be like, till you're there.

I have had a very hard week. My body has just hurt everywhere. I'm feeling unhappy and out of touch with my joy. I haven't really felt happy about this pregnancy yet, which is pretty tragic, I so want to, I've waited so long for this. I finally came off of the steroids (Dexamethasone) which I have been suspecting of causing some of this havoc. I have always been super sensitive to drugs, particularly hormones, and prone to depression, though I had not experienced it in about ten wonderful years.

I have had terrible back pain, which was close to immobilizing for a while. For some reason my arms hurt. My breasts, of course, hurt. My neck. I have cramping on and off (always). I have sharp pains on either side of my uterus sometimes when I move or cough, that the nurse says is ligaments. I have started feeling queasy for a chunk of hours from about noon-8. I have also been spotting. If I could only feel like myself emotionally I think I would be more able to handle the rest. Is this what it's like being pregnant with twins? Oh my. What a ride.

My wonderful husband is over the moon thinking that we will have twins. "Two for the price of one, honey!" "Honey, just think, you won't have to go through this again". "Honey, this was one of the best days of my life!" He is so sweet. He also doesn't seem to get how scary it is for me to be doing this with a 49 year old out of shape body. I am praying that I get my soul back from the steroids, or the hormones, and can share in his great happiness, really soon.