Ahhh all of your wonderful posts, ICLW and otherwise, are truly a balm for my heart. Thank you for supporting my feelings, and thank you for being cheerleaders for the wonderful embryos I am incubating! The joy, when I allow myself to feel it, is almost blinding. It has only lasted split seconds so far, but I guess that's good because otherwise I might just be completely vaporized by it.
Despite intermittent blasts of joy, I realize I am in the throes of a depression. Not a deep deep one, but an uncomfortable, hormonal, emotional, puddle of yuck that is totally exacerbated by the fact that I have absolutely no energy, am nauseated many hours per day, and that I live in a tiny cabin buried under endless snow right about now, in a town where I have acquaintances but no friends. I could really use a friend or two at this very strange, new, confusing and amazing time in my life. I am a person who usually has wonderful, intense one-on-one friendships which sustain me, and I am just plain bereft at this time in my life.
Being totally new to being married, I think I'm having trouble integrating my old life of wonderful friendships with this new state. Plus I moved away from NYC... into this married life, and somehow just haven't made new friends. Boo. I just haven't got the hang of what one does with brand new people.. My mother, who is the queen of dinner parties, says, throw a dinner party.. of course she's right, but my style is different, I don't really like groups of people that I don't know very well.. while I love groups of dear friends.. I throw a marathon 3 day weekend party around twice a year for a group of beloveds from my past, most from my gestalt training program, and a few from way back in teenage days when I was a regular in Washington Square park. These are very fun and wild and amazing weekends, then everyone goes back to the city. Except me. I'm discovering that I am pretty shy around very new people, that's a fact.
Besides all of this, This life now is so very different from spending hmm about the last 15-20 years totally focused on myself, and on building a career as a private practice psychotherapist. I was totally one-pointed and gave it everything I had. I was also quite lonely (which is a terrible thing to suffer), and wished for a mate, but there was a huge satisfaction in creating my life's work.
There was a point a while back when in one of my prayer/meditation states I owned up to the fact that I had completely indulged myself for years, in totally minute examination and focus on my own emotional and spiritual life, and on following any and all self centered pleasures and pursuits, and that I was ready and willing, finally, to give my time and energy to another human being or beings. Well look at what happened!
I just feel all unbalanced at this point, especially with this pregnancy, it is an embarrassment of riches, as it looks like I am receiving all of my dearest wishes coming true. It's just throwing me all off! Who am I again??? And trying to find a peer group who can relate to a pregnant, newlywed almost-50-year-old... bwahahaha. Ok I know there are a few of you out there who can probably relate. Thank god for the internet.
I'm 7 weeks 5 days today. Day after tomorrow we will go for a sonogram to see if we can see a heartbeat from the second babe. This is all such a miracle.