Pregnant, Newlywed Almost-50-year-old... Bwahahaha

Ahhh all of your wonderful posts, ICLW and otherwise, are truly a balm for my heart. Thank you for supporting my feelings, and thank you for being cheerleaders for the wonderful embryos I am incubating! The joy, when I allow myself to feel it, is almost blinding. It has only lasted split seconds so far, but I guess that's good because otherwise I might just be completely vaporized by it.

Despite intermittent blasts of joy, I realize I am in the throes of a depression. Not a deep deep one, but an uncomfortable, hormonal, emotional, puddle of yuck that is totally exacerbated by the fact that I have absolutely no energy, am nauseated many hours per day, and that I live in a tiny cabin buried under endless snow right about now, in a town where I have acquaintances but no friends. I could really use a friend or two at this very strange, new, confusing and amazing time in my life. I am a person who usually has wonderful, intense one-on-one friendships which sustain me, and I am just plain bereft at this time in my life.

Being totally new to being married, I think I'm having trouble integrating my old life of wonderful friendships with this new state. Plus I moved away from NYC... into this married life, and somehow just haven't made new friends. Boo. I just haven't got the hang of what one does with brand new people.. My mother, who is the queen of dinner parties, says, throw a dinner party.. of course she's right, but my style is different, I don't really like groups of people that I don't know very well.. while I love groups of dear friends.. I throw a marathon 3 day weekend party around twice a year for a group of beloveds from my past, most from my gestalt training program, and a few from way back in teenage days when I was a regular in Washington Square park. These are very fun and wild and amazing weekends, then everyone goes back to the city. Except me. I'm discovering that I am pretty shy around very new people, that's a fact.

Besides all of this, This life now is so very different from spending hmm about the last 15-20 years totally focused on myself, and on building a career as a private practice psychotherapist. I was totally one-pointed and gave it everything I had. I was also quite lonely (which is a terrible thing to suffer), and wished for a mate, but there was a huge satisfaction in creating my life's work.

There was a point a while back when in one of my prayer/meditation states I owned up to the fact that I had completely indulged myself for years, in totally minute examination and focus on my own emotional and spiritual life, and on following any and all self centered pleasures and pursuits, and that I was ready and willing, finally, to give my time and energy to another human being or beings. Well look at what happened!

I just feel all unbalanced at this point, especially with this pregnancy, it is an embarrassment of riches, as it looks like I am receiving all of my dearest wishes coming true. It's just throwing me all off! Who am I again??? And trying to find a peer group who can relate to a pregnant, newlywed almost-50-year-old... bwahahaha. Ok I know there are a few of you out there who can probably relate. Thank god for the internet.

I'm 7 weeks 5 days today. Day after tomorrow we will go for a sonogram to see if we can see a heartbeat from the second babe. This is all such a miracle.


  1. I can so relate to being newly married, pregnant and in a new city! I was far from my friends too, and I just wished I knew some people in the same boat. Ask around (dr's office, hospital or gyms) about a pregnancy exercise class, or even water aerobics which is wonderful (but you MUST tell the instructor you are pg). That was a great way to meet people, although most pg groups are going to have younger women (get used to it, from another older mom!) I found out my hospital had free yoga for new moms, but not until after the time was up on the offer.

    I would be totally uncomfortable throwing a dinner party for strangers too. Don't let your mom talk you into that! When you meet a few people, you can invite them all over for movie night or something. Good luck!

  2. Rosie:

    Brief glimpses of joy are okay...a lot of the rest of your state has to be down to the massive hormonal changes taking place within yourself right now. You feel that joy a little bit, so at least you have that to look forward to when you are not in your state of "yuck." Gradually that yuck will take up less of your being.

    There are a lot of adaptations to be made: new marriage, new town, new home, and more. Coming to grips with it all will take time, but things will begin to fall into place.

    I don't know what to suggest in terms of friends and more. I am isolated after 20+ years of moving about in search of career and a mate. Now things are so much more settled I find my self unable to make friends (- a by product I suspect of my years of severe loneliness), and my attempts as an older woman ttc-ing very isolating - but probably because of various issues I have personally with the whole ttc deal (rather than the behaviors of others!) I will be most interested to hear any ideas you come up with! Makes me wish I lived in your town so we could be pals....*sob*!

    LS x

  3. Hi, just stopped by on ICLW and your story is very interesting. I will be following along. And congrats on your babies!


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