Joyous Birdie: Having a Hard Time

12/28/10

Having a Hard Time

I'm having a hard time right now.

last night I was overwhelmed with fear about this whole process. A cloud of dread took me over. I felt this sense of unreality and doubt, and worried that it was all the wrong choice. I didn't even know exactly what was scaring me so much, but I felt really scared to be pregnant. It was out of the blue, and I didn't like it one bit.

I was feeling a lot going on in my uterus, it felt very full, and had been crampy for days.

And now this morning, the pregnancy test line is fainter than yesterday. I am terrified that I am having a chemical pregnancy. My beta is tomorrow. I tested positive on 5dp5dt, the line was a little darker 6dp5dt (yesterday), and today it is a little lighter.

Scared and confused and upset!

4 comments:

ShonaDecember 28, 2010 at 11:28 AM
I am thinking of you. I really hope you are mistaken and that all is well with the pregnancy. IVF is so hard with all the waiting and worrying. Sending you lots of hugs from England. Good luck for your beta tomorrow.
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DoraDecember 28, 2010 at 11:33 AM
Breathe. I think it's just a pee stick quality control issue. Hang in there.

Ummmm, and pregnancy and motherhood is scary. But it's also really, really wonderful.
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arohanuiDecember 28, 2010 at 9:54 PM
Hi, I'm visiting from ICLW and have my fingers crossed for a good beta result tomorrow. Good luck!
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Ms. PollywogDecember 28, 2010 at 10:29 PM
Here's to good beta news!
http://funnylittlepollywogs.com
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A Little History

I didn't feel I was ready to have children until I had done some emotional healing of my own. This took time.

Since I was single I felt, before I had them, I had to be able to support myself and any children I had on my own. Thus, a masters in Social Work.

Post Grad study to become a psychotherapist.

This all took many years, and I was close to 40 by the time I even considered TTC alone.

Joined Single Mothers by Choice.

Asked my two best beloved male friends if they wanted to be a daddy. No, they didn't.

Researched donor sperm. Obsessively. Found the perfect donor.

Started working with a RE on west 59th Street. I was 42.

first IUI cycle canceled, because even though I was in for a sonogram practically every morning at some ungodly hour, they missed my ovulation.

Second IUI cycle. In terrible pain from trigger shot. Dr dismissed this.

Dropped out of the RE's care

Did Eleven unmedicated IUI's, All BFN's.

RE had told me they didn't work with women over 43 for IVF, I was almost 44. I was too burnt out and discouraged by the crappy doctors and feeling alone to pursue some other place.

Started researching adoption. I felt strongly that I only wanted a newborn.

Discovered that a 44 year old single woman who wanted to adopt a newborn has almost zero options.

Found a possible way I could adopt from Pakistan that would have involved me living there for up to a year. Started proceedings.

Met my honey (I was 45) and was overwhelmed with joy and love. I needed time to enjoy being in a real relationship. Postponed adoption (tho he was up for it!).

Started having mixed feelings about adoption. (we'll save that for a blog post)

TTC'd with the honey the old fashioned way for 3 years.. Tho I thought I was too old to conceive, he was hopeful.

I turn 48. I know its not happening with my own eggs. All of a sudden I open up emotionally to the possibility of donor eggs.

4/10 IVF with donor eggs. BFN

Sadly decide to switch donors.. really identified with the first one! She looked and sounded like she could be my sister. Found one who had a better success rate.

12/10 I'm now 49. DE IVF cycle #2
12/21 transfer 2 pretty blastocysts. 2 to freeze.
12/26 pos pee stick
High betas- I'm pregnant!
1/19 oh boy, it's twins!