Yesterday I took the one hour drive to my clinic to get my lining check. I was very happy to hear that it was 10.5 and had the famous "triple stripe", even tho I don't actually know what that is. I just know it's supposed to be a good thing. A good thing feels good to have, just a simple encouragement, especially when my mind is so busy with every possible thing that one can think of, exhausting me trying to control an uncontrollable thing, this cycle, this life. Trying to avoid pain.
It's feeling strange to me to be going forward with such an endeavor, this IVF thing. Everywhere I turn I am reading about miscarriage and disappointments and heartbreak. I feel very impacted by Paige's recent loss. I was a lurker for the most part on her blog, but I really identified with her. I also have a therapy client who's wife miscarried IVF twins at 20 weeks recently. I was so shocked by both of these events. Death appeared so suddenly, in the middle of their (and my) lush and tender enjoyment of forthcoming life. Life is very unpredictable and random, and nothing we do can keep control of it. It is a vast mystery. I trust that there is a rhyme and reason that my tiny mind cannot encompass. I try to surrender to it, at the same time as I try to keep hope alive. Its a strange balancing act, that I learned in therapy many years ago, to be able to hold opposite truths at the same time. My therapist had me imagine I was actually holding one in one hand and one in the other. So I will hold Paige's loss in one hand. I will hold BFN's and failure and terrible fear and sadness and pain and loss and death in that hand. And in the other hand I will hold hope. Hope for Paige. Hope for her healing, and for her dreams to come true. Hope for me and for this cycle, for my waiting triple stripe uterus and for a joyful outcome. Soaring hope. Bouncy hope. Hope for each and every one of you.
So amidst all of this, we have a donor with 10-12 follicles, and retrieval will be day after tomorrow. This donor has consistently (twice) produced a modest amount of eggs, but which do well. I have a very anxious hubby, who has trouble articulating his anxiety, going on a 3.5 hour train trip by himself tomorrow to deliver his biological contribution to this hoped for baby(ies). He will return the next day and we will make the trip again, god willing, for the transfer next week. I have a full day of work on Thursday (retrieval day) in the city, and lots of good distracting things to do and people to see on Friday. I have been appreciating the value of distraction more this cycle. I'm usually someone who likes to really experience my life, but I realize that there are choices about what to experience.
For example, tonight my honey and I avoided another evening talking about his trip, and my fears about injecting myself with PIO, by attending a very enjoyable movie, Saint Misbehaving, The Wavy Gravy Movie. I was fortunate enough to meet Wavy Gravy in 1980 during his "Nobody for President" campaign. He was a very funny and unique guy, with an uplifting message. I cooked a vegetarian dinner for him and Mountain Girl and her children, with some of my college friends when he visited our school, and remember him complaining that he would have preferred a hamburger. I always took it a little personally until tonight when I saw him do the same thing in the movie, basically saying yuck when his wife mentioned vegetarian food. I feel much better now!