The Least Push of Joy

First Beta, 159.5!

I'm feeling a lot better today. Thanks for your kind words of support, you are wonderful women.

Today's beta number seems pretty high for 8dp5dt(day 13)! I was very excited to hear it. Those gosh dang pee sticks really got me going. I spent the whole day yesterday feeling really depressed lying on the couch under a quilt, thinking that I was losing the wee little guys. I was really in a funk.

I have been through so many strong, difficult emotions in the past few days. I had no idea that a positive result could be so completely overwhelming.

Going through IVF is hard enough, without having to deal with the fact of either not becoming pregnant or becoming pregnant, as a result. Both are huge. And it's all hard enough without the freakin hormones to deal with.

Believe me, I know from experience that not becoming pregnant is the less desirable option, but the other night I had a super concentrated 20 minute identity crisis about being pregnant that felt a little like a very short bad acid trip. On top of that I was having uncomfortable feelings about the fact that here I am finally pregnant, and it is with some other woman's eggs. That was its own little world of complicated feelings. Fear of not feeling connected with a DE baby. Deep primal grief over missing my dream of a baby that is like me. (I'm adopted, so this one is very deep for me). Shame over not being able to produce a baby on my own. Jealousy that I'm having my husbands baby with another woman. You'd think that I hadn't thought all this out. Endlessly. Obsessively. In depth. Fer goodness sakes. I'm a therapist. It just all hit me again, at once! Obviously and naturally I am having feelings about all this, and that's just the way it's supposed to be.

I think that part of me has spent so much time gearing up for disappointment, that it doesn't know how to let go.

Reminds me of a poem by Emily Dickinson:

I can wade Grief—
Whole Pools of it—
I'm used to that—
But the least push of Joy
Breaks up my feet—
And I tip—drunken—
Let no Pebble—smile—
'Twas the New Liquor—
That was all!

Today I was texting about my beta with my beloved friend in Alaska, the one with the adopted 1 year old. She asked me if I was feeling joy about it. She said "It really is a miracle, the one you've been waiting for, for a long, long time!"

I told her no, not yet, and explained my feelings. She sent me back an email that tonight sent me into tears, and helped me let go. It's so nice to be understood. Here's what she wrote:

I was going to text you back but I've misplaced my phone temporarily so I figured I would send an email instead. I can understand your feelings about being freaked out about the pregnancy. It's a huge deal. And it's natural to be thinking, like, "what the f... was I thinking?" I remember when I got the call that we were getting O, I was in a state of disbelief for the first 48 hours. I remember going back to the hotel after meeting her at the hospital (she had to stay there overnight) and thinking, "I can still back out of this. I don't have to do it." But I took a deep breath and realized that I could do it, and in fact, it was what I had yearned for for like 30 years! It's like taking a plunge off a deep cliff into the ocean. It's scary. But once you're playing in the waves and having fun, you forget how scared and freaked out you were to let go of control and dive!

Keep in mind that you can do this and it's something you've longed for. Just accept the fear and remember that you won't always feel it. It'll pass. And once the baby(ies) start growing in your belly and you can feel them, you'll start the attachment process and you'll love being a mom.

I wish I could be there to stay up late with you and talk for hours about this. Just know that I'm there for you if you ever want to talk.

CONGRATULATIONS! I'm reveling in the complete joy of this! It's amazing. :)

Love to you and R. (And by the way, your presents arrived yesterday. The envelope was damaged in route and the chocolate were smashed but everything else survived! I love the LOVE symbol and the bird mobile. We have it over our dining room table. The Indian elephants are over O.'s crib but we may switch them out. Very thoughtful of you. Thank you.)

Ahhh friends. Thank god for friends. I am beginning to feel a little joy. Hoping for more.